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Category: Criminal & Illegal

Jesus Doesn’t Get Tickets

| MD, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(My friend is playing Jesus in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. After the performance, he changes into his own clothes, but doesn’t take off his stage makeup, including the fake blood from the crucifixion scene. While he is driving home, he is pulled over by the police.)

Police Officer: “License and registration, please.”

(As my friend hands the officer his license, the officer gets a good look at him.)

Police Officer: “Sir, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”

Friend: *confused because he forgot he was wearing the makeup* “Huh? Oh! I’m okay. This is makeup. I’m coming home from a performance.”

Police Officer: *so relieved that he apparently forgot why he pulled my friend over* “Oh, good. Well, drive safely and have a good night!”

Needs To Park That Attitude

| MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(I work as a cart attendant. My store has a strip of red paired curb that is a fire lane in which no parking is allowed. I see a customer parked in this area.)

Me: “Sir, I’m very sorry but you can’t park here as this is a fire lane.”

Customer: “I’m not parked. I’m waiting for my wife to come out. I’m still in the car.”

Me: “Sir, even if you are still in the car, the car is not moving and is therefore parked.”

Customer: “The car is not parked! I’m still in it! So f*** off!”

Me: “Sir, what gear is your car in right now?”

Customer: “It’s in park, you moron!”

Me: “Then in that case the car is considered parked. Please move away from the fire lane or I will have your car towed.”

(The fuming customer finally moved, glaring at me as he did so.)

This Is Not A Drill

| Grand Island, NE, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

(I’m at the service desk, finishing a battery replacement for a regular customer’s hearing aids. We’re having our normal chit chat; he loves talking about his grandkids. A woman enters, comes to the desk, and starts complaining immediately.)

Woman: “I don’t have this kind of time! Why are you doing his job? I need service.”

Me: “We always offer battery replacement.” *as I say this, I finish the replacements* “Okay, sir, you’re good to go! I’ll let [Cashier] know you’ve paid already. Have a nice night.”

Man: “Thank you. You get everything done so nicely.” *he heads out*

Woman: “Finally! My drill is broken. I want my replacement.”

Me: “Okay, let me see the drill and we can go from there.”

(She slams a drill from another chain onto the desk; it has a smashed battery pack.)

Woman: “There! It’s broken.”

Me: “This drill isn’t from here, and—”

Woman: “F****** liar! I want your manager!”

Me: *sees manager walking over due to her fuss* “Sure. Hey, [Manager], this customer wants to speak to you.”

Woman: “This b**** won’t replace my drill! I can’t use that one to hammer nails into concrete now.”

Manager: “Say what?”

Woman: “I need to hammer nails into my basement walls. This drill broke. How is that hard to understand? Give me my replacement!”

Manager: “First, that’s not a drill we sell. Second, our replacement guarantee only applies when the tool is used properly. It’s not a hammer, so it’s broken from misuse. Even if it was ours, we wouldn’t process a replacement.”

Woman: “How the f*** am I supposed to know I can’t use this as a hammer?! I’ll go get my own free replacement!”

Manager: “Okay. I’ll call the police.”

Woman: “F*** you! I ain’t violating my parole for you!” *she storms out*

Cashier: *over radio* “Um. Did that really just happen?”

(Two hours later, she returns with a drill now spray painted yellow. The cashier immediately gets the manager.)

Woman: “See! This is your drill! Give me my f****** replacement, you c***!” *slams drill and paint covered hand on counter*

Manager: “It still says [Brand] and the paint is coming off on your hand. Leave now; you’re now prohibited from coming in.”

Woman: “You can’t prove who I am.”

Manager: “Cameras are above you. Your fingerprints are on the counter. You have unique tattoos. You’re on parole. Pretty sure we can track you.”

(Customer ran out, and hasn’t returned.)