Category: Criminal & Illegal

Don’t Drink And Drive Or You’ll Spill Jesus’ Blood

| Denver, CO, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Religion, Transportation

(As I am driving along in my squad car I see someone driving while drinking a water bottle full of a dark red liquid. I pull up next to them at a red light.)

Me: “Is that wine?”

Driver: “….d***, Jesus did it again.”

(I arrested her, needless to say.)

Their Career In Crime Went Pop

| ON, Canada | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid

(I am in university, and I get a job at a fast-food chicken place not far from the main club area, where many students come to drink and party. The restaurant is set up so that customers can place their orders at the front, and while their food is being prepared, they can take a pop or dessert from the cooler. On my first night working, a couple of somewhat inebriated 20-somethings come in. My coworker on cash takes their order and I begin to prepare it in the back. As I’m working, I hear the thumps of running feet in the front, and the bell on the door jingle violently. I turn to look at my coworker who is looking back at me.)

Coworker: *explaining incredulously* “They just stole two cans of pop.”

Me: “Oh.”

(I process this, and wonder what the protocol is and if we need to call the police or anything.)

Coworker: “But they paid for their food.”

(I look down at the empty packages in front of me.)

Me: *with a grin* “Ah.”

(We joked about the incident for the rest of the night, wondering how long the thrill of having successfully stolen $2 worth of pop, would keep the master thieves from realizing they’d left their $15 meal behind.)

Should Have Parked That Thought

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(I live in the busiest part of center city where there is zero free parking. I am walking home one day after running errands. I am approaching a woman in tears, screaming at a parking attendant that had her car towed. I stick around to listen…)

Lady: *screaming* “You have no right to move my car. That is against the law!”

Parking Attendant: “Ma’am, your car has been parked here for two days. You accumulated four separate tickets, over the two days. You abandoned your car during that time, so I had no choice but to tow it.”

Lady: “I don’t care! You have no right to move my car without my permission! I am going to sue the s*** out of your company! You are going to be fired!”

Parking Attendant: “Ma’am, this is a very popular tourist part of the city. You parked your car on the street in front of a meter and abandoned it. With all due respect, you have no right to abandon your car on a busy street, preventing other visitors from parking that is already very limited.”

Lady: “F*** you! I’ve been busy! I’ll see you in court!” *walks off*

(I really don’t understand how someone can leave their car parked in front of a two-hour parking meter and leave it for two days.)

Using Your Rights To Right Some Wrongs

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal

(We kick out some teenagers who are kicking balls around the store. One teen kicks the ball so high it hits the lights and breaks them. As I am kicking them out, with security as backup, one of the teens says:)

Teen #1: “It is my God-given right to shop at [Store].”

Me: “And it is my law-given right to kick you out of the store for breaking store property. We can also involve the police, who also have the law-given right to charge you and arrest you. Would you like me to exercise those rights?”

Teen #2: “Uh… no.”

Me: “Then use your God-given legs and get out of my store.”

(My coworkers were trying to look threatening behind me but burst out laughing when I said that.)

Unable To Validate His Reasoning

| Canada | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(I work at an underground parking lot. Above it is mostly offices and a few shops. Recently a gym moved into the building and offers their clients two free hours of parking as long as they validate their tickets and insert it into the pay machines. A man inserts his ticket into the machine and drives up to the gate. The gate doesn’t open so I look up at him.)

Customer: “I was at the gym.”

Me: “Oh, it looks like the ticket didn’t scan properly. You can go back upstairs to the gym and rescan it.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to do that. I was only at the gym for 15 minutes! I wanted to sign up for the gym but I didn’t have any ID on me so I had to leave.”

Me: “The discount only applies if the ticket is scanned at the gym. You’re welcome to back up and get it scanned again or pay the fee.”

Customer: “I didn’t scan my ticket. No one told me to do that.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Well, like I said, you can go up and scan it. It will take the discount off. Or, if you don’t want to you can pay the $5.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to do either. Let me out.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t do that. You parked here and your ticket shows you owe $5. You can scan it at the gym or pay it.”

Customer: “No, I don’t have my wallet on me. Let me out.”

(This goes on for about ten minutes. We aren’t allowed to let them out for free as the money would come out of our pay checks.)

Customer: “Guess how old I am?!”

Me: “I don’t know how that is relevant.”

Customer: “I’m only nineteen! And guess where I work? At [Brand] fitness. I’m a personal trainer. Hey, I’ll make a deal with you. Look at this—” *he shuffles through his phone and shows me a picture of a man with no shirt on* “—if you want I can hook you up with him! Just let me out.”

Me: “No, thank you. Please either pay the ticket or back up and get the ticket scanned.”

Customer: “I’ll train you! Come on!”

Me: “No, thank you. Like I said, you have two options. Please choose one.”

Customer: “What if I ram the gate? I can get out that way.”

Me: “There’s a camera right behind you. It would log your license plate and you’d be charged for the price of the gate — which is more than the cost of your ticket.”

Customer: “Just let me out! I don’t want to do either things! I have things to do! I make $37 an hour! Just let me go.”

(This goes on for about another twenty minutes. Had he backed up and gone to the gym he would have been out in less than five.)

Me: “If you’re unwilling to pay or back up, I’m going to call security.”

Customer: “I’m not doing it!”

(I call security who comes down a few minutes later. I explain to the security guard what’s been happening and that I won’t be letting him out for free.)

Security guard: “You can either pay the ticket or back up and go get it scanned.”

Customer: “I’m not doing either.”

(He proceeded to argue with the security guard for ten minutes. Eventually he backed up and got the ticket scanned. The entire process took over forty-five minutes when it should have taken only five.)

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