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Category: At The Checkout

The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

Fresh Out Of Fresh

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Customer: “Is this chicken fresh?”

(I tap a huge sticker on the top of the meat case that says FRESH.)

Customer: “Does that mean it’s fresh?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “It is fresh, ma’am.”

Customer: “How fresh is it?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “It is.”

(The case has four trays of chicken breast in it. She looks between the trays.)

Customer: “Is this chicken fresher than this chicken?”

Me: “No, I put them all in there at the same time.”

Customer: “Well, this one looks fresher than that one. Are you sure this one isn’t fresher than that one?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well this one looks fresher than that one. Can I see how fresh it is?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “As I said, ma’am, it’s perfectly fresh.”

Customer: “Can you get me the chicken that’s the most fresh? This one looks the most fresh. Definitely more fresh than that one. Can you get me the freshest one?”

Me: “Absolutely. I know all about being fresh.”

Customer: “Great!”

(I grab the nearest chicken breasts and put two in a bag for her, seal it, price it, and hand it to her.)

Customer: “This is the freshest, right? More fresh than the other ones?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “I can assure you that I’ve been as fresh with you as I can get away with, ma’am.”

Customer: “Great!”

(She pays and walks out the door.)

Coworker: “Jesus shoe-shining Christ, how many times did that lady say the word ‘fresh’?”

Me: *shrugging* “I was really trying not to use a different F-word with her.”

Keeping Borders Secure And Identity Insecure

| CO, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Top

(I am waiting in line, the next to be up, when I hear this a customer start shouting about how she refuses to show ‘some Mexican’ her ID in order to purchase something.)

Customer: “I don’t know where you get off asking to see MY ID! I don’t ask to see your green card!”

Employee: “Your credit card doesn’t have a signature on it, so I have to get an ID or I can’t let you use it.”

Customer: “This is so rude! I cannot believe you people are even allowed to ask for it, for ANY REASON!”

(Having had enough, and just wanting to buy my videogame, I start walking towards the customer.)

Me: “Ma’am, what’s the problem here?!”

Customer: “This illegal wants to see my ID!”

Me: “She’s obviously not illegal, but if you don’t want her to see your ID, then maybe you can just let me see both cards and I’ll verify it to her?”

Customer: “That’s fine. A nice American boy doing the right thing. Thank you.”

(The clerk hands me the credit card, and the woman hands me her ID. I look at them and nod to the clerk. I don’t hand the lady back her ID, though.)

Me: “So… your name’s [Name].”

Customer: “Yes, that’s right.”

Me: “You live at [Address]?”

Customer: “That’s what the ID says.”

Me: “Do you know my name?”

Customer: “Uh, huh? No, I don’t. Of course not. Don’t be silly. We just met.”

Me: “Do you know my address?”

Customer: “Well, obviously I wouldn’t. What’s your point?”

Me: “[Full Name] who lives at [Address], why would you give me your ID without knowing who I am, what I want, or what I would do with it? I know who you are and where you live now.”

(The customer just stares at me, speechless as I hand her back the card and the clerk gives her the items she came in to buy.)

Me: “Oh, and by the way – I’m Italian, so think about how badly you just screwed up as you walk back to your car. I’m not saying I would change my locks. I’m just saying I’d be smarter about things!”

Mother Knows Best And All

| New York, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

(A somewhat well-known professional athlete and minor celebrity is making a home-delivery order. He is with an older woman.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today?”

Customer: *grunts*

Me: “Can you please fill out this form for delivery?”

Customer: *grunts*

Me: “Your address where you’d like it delivered?”

Customer: “Uh…” *turns to woman* “Mom, what’s my address?”

(Gives address.)

Me: “… and your signature?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Signature. Autograph?”

Customer: “Uh, oh, right!”

Me: “Can you please provide you cell phone number for the delivery?”

Customer: “Um…”

Me: “Your cell number?”

Customer: “Mom, what’s my cell phone number?”

They’ll Toast To That

| Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I am standing in line at a well-known coffee shop, fairly early in the morning. I hear this exchange between an employee and the customer in front of me.)

Customer: “Hi. Could I get a large coffee toasted with butter?”

Employee: “… Sorry?”

(The employee looks like she is trying not to laugh, when the customer suddenly notices what she’s said.)

Customer: “No! Wait! I mean a large coffee and a BAGEL toasted with butter.”

(They both burst out laughing.)

Customer: “Sorry, it’s early. Although if you’re willing to try and toast a coffee with butter, I’ll pay just to see how it turns out!”

They Should Screen Customers Like This

| St. Louis, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(We have a touch screen tablet/kiosk in store that allows you to create a playlist for making custom CDs. One day, a man is shouting and punching the screen trying to get it to work. I come over to help him.)

Customer: “This f****** thing is broken. It won’t accept any of the letters when I press them!”

Me: “Please be gentle with the device. I’ll show you how easy it is to use.”

(I show him, and after a few minutes he tries again, pressing the space between the letters instead of any actual letters.)

Customer: “Your cheap-a** tablet is the reason I can’t figure it out!”

(I just stand there letting him vent, all while finishing his list of songs. When it is done he wants to enter his name, and goes back to jamming the screen with his finger and cursing loudly.)

Me: “I will finish it for you. The total will be [total].

Customer: “That’s way too expensive! Never mind.”

(The customer then just simply walks away. I turn around to see my coworkers laughing at me. Great days in retail!)

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