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Category: Extra Stupid

This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

No Meat In Their Brain, Part 3

| MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I’m working the register at a popular coffee shop chain. A woman inspects our breakfast sandwiches for a few minutes before approaching me.)

Customer: “Can I get one of the reduced fat turkey bacon sandwiches?”

Me: “I’m so sorry; we just sold out of those. Is there anything else I can offer you today?”

Customer: “Well, what else do you have that’s vegetarian?”

Related:
No Meat In Their Brain, Part 2
No Meat In Their Brain

Bigots United

| MA, USA | Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(I am the assistant manager at a rent-to-own home goods company. Since payments pay for the week in advance there are no grace periods and, due to the customer base, repossessions are common. I am female, white, pagan, and lesbian. My boss is male, Cambodian, Buddhist, and an immigrant.)

Customer: *storms in* “You guys are racist! I’m gonna sue you all!”

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Your truck showed up and took my s***! I want it back now or I’ll sue you f*** racists!”

Me: “Let me take a look at your account so we can figure out what is going on. What’s your name?”

Customer: “You know d** well what my name is! This whole store is a bunch of f****** racists.”

(Aside from myself and the manager we only have two other employees. One is male, Hispanic, and very Catholic, and the other is male, a very dark skinned Haitian, and practices voodoo. Between the four of us we represent four religions, four races, gay/straight, married/unmarried, young/middle age, male/female, etc… My manager comes out from his office.)

Manager: “Hello, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “You are all a bunch of racists and bigots. You sent your truck just to persecute me!”

Manager: “Sir, please calm down. We sent out truck because you have not been in to pay your bill in three weeks.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You sent it because you can’t stand someone like me to have nice things!”

(My truck guys are protective over me. They hear the commotion and come out of the back, standing behind me and the manager.)

Customer: “Give me my s*** back! I’m gonna call the cops and tell them what a bunch of f****** racists you are!”

Me: “We would be happy to return the items, sir. We just need you to catch your account up. With three weeks behind, and then the next week ahead, it makes four weeks total. That comes to—”

Customer: “Oh, H***, NO! I’m not paying that s***! You bunch of bigots! You are gonna give me back my s*** for FREE or I’m gonna sue!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You need to catch up your account before we can re-deliver.”

Customer: “Listen here, you little b****! I know my rights! I’m gonna sue! You’re all a bunch of racists and bigots!”

Truck Guy: “Against what, exactly?”

(The customer finally paused long enough to look at us… in all of our cultural rainbow glory… then turned and walked out quickly!)

But We Do Have Some Everlasting Gob-Stoppers

| Annapolis, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(It’s a snowy winter day on the East Coast. Customers are placing their items on the checkout counter to be rung up by me. I’m wearing jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt, not a winter coat, no gloves or hat, and I’m three registers away from the open outside door.)

Customer: “Brrr! It’s so COLD! How can you STAND it in here? You must be FREEZING!”

Me: “No, I don’t mind it. We keep busy when we are at the register.”

Customer: *eyeing the previous customer’s frozen ice cream containers being bagged by a coworker* “How can anyone buy ice cream on a freezing day like this?”

Me: “Ah, well then, you should buy some Willy Wonka’s Hot Ice Cream! It’s perfect for those cold days.”

Coworker: *stops bagging items and stares at me with open mouth*

Customer: “Wow! Really? That sounds great! Is it too late to go back and get some?”

Me: “Sorry, we’re temporarily out of stock.”

Coworker: *turns away to laugh*

Customer: “Oh. Too bad.”

Me: *smiling at the customer’s ignorance of Roald Dahl’s book ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’* “Maybe next time. Have a good day!”

Trying To Pull A Shady Deal

| USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

(I work at company that sells stone to go on houses. All of the stone is outside, and our location is surrounded by trees.)

Customer: “All of this is the same rock?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Everything in this row is the same material.”

Customer: “Why is this side so much darker?! You said it was the same!”

Me: “…ma’am, that side is in the shade.”

Not-So-Smartphone, Part 12

| Boise, ID, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

(The phone rings and the pre-recorded “Hi, this is [My Name]. Thanks for calling,. What can I do for you?’ goes off.)

Caller: “I WANT A FREE [Extremely Popular 4G Smartphone] IN EXCHANGE FOR MY [Not So Popular Slide-Out Phone] BECAUSE IT’S A PIECE OF CRAP AND IT’S FROZEN AND IT WON’T TURN OFF!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I can certainly see how that would be frustrating! Let’s see if we can get it fixed for you today.”

Caller: “I doubt you can fix it! This phone is stupid! I want a [4G Smartphone] instead!”

Me: “Well, if I could do that for you I certainly would, but our system actually won’t let us process exchanges like that in the first place. And definitely not before troubleshooting! So, let’s go ahead and get it fixed up for you instead. Would you take the battery out for me, please?”

Caller: “NO. Didn’t you understand me?! I SAID, it’s FROZEN!”

Me: “I did understand, but you don’t have to turn the phone off first to remove the battery.”

Caller: “…oh. IF THIS DOESN’T WORK I WANT A F****** [4G Smartphone]!”

Me: “I’m sure this will help your phone, ma’am, but like I said, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t physically process the [4G Smartphone] for you. Our system will not allow it.”

(The phone reboots, and everything is just fine and her phone works.)

Me: “Okay! I’m so glad your phone is working great for you now. Can I help you with anything else?”

Caller: “Hmph… NO. AND THE NEXT TIME THIS PHONE BREAKS, I’M JUST GOING TO SMASH IT!”

Me: *laughing* “Well, you certainly—”

Caller: *click*

(She totally hung up on me, but I was going to tell her she could definitely smash the phone if she wanted, and we still couldn’t replace it with a 4G model! I had to get off the phones to laugh for a minute after that.)

Related:
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 11
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 10
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 9

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