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Category: Bizarre

For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

Decision Derision

| Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Bizarre

(I work in the Historical Research Institute.)

Caller: *immensely cheerful* “Hi, this is Mrs. [Name] from Goodwill!”

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “How are you?”

Me: “I’m just fine. How are you?”

Caller: “I’m fine, too! Great! I was hoping I could talk to the owner. Is he there?”

Me: “The owner of this building is the National Monument Service, ma’am.”

Caller: “Nice! Is he there?”

Me: “Er, no, the National Monument Service is not here… That is a branch of the government.They have their own offices elsewhere.”

Caller: “Okay, great. Is the head decision maker there?”

Me: “The head decision maker about what in particular?”

Caller: “You know, the person who makes the decisions.”

Me: “In order to direct your call I need to know what decisions you mean, ma’am.”

Caller: “Well, who IS the decision maker?”

Me: *trying a new tack* “Ma’am, we are a subsidiary of the National Academy of Sciences. All high-level decisions originate there. They have their own offices.”

Caller: “No, who is YOUR main decision maker? There! Where you are! YOUR company!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we have various department heads and team leaders and in order to direct your call I need to know what kind of decision you mean when you ask for the head decision-maker.”

Caller: “Decisions about goodness, about having a heart! Decisions about decency! About children in need!”

Me: “Ma’am, I really am uncertain how to direct your call. Could you be more specific about the TYPE of decision that needs to be made?”

Caller: *waxing significantly less cheery* “YOU must have a direct superior. Who is YOUR direct superior?”

Me: “That is Mr. [Name], ma’am; he is in a meeting. But I—”

Caller: *now sounding pissed off* “FINE! I will call back tomorrow!” *click*

Unable To Remotely Fix The Problem

| TX, USA | Bizarre, Holidays, Technology

(I work in a call center that provides technical support for residential phone, tv, and Internet.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I’m watching Spike and they have been playing the same program for over four days now.”

(I proceed to pull up customer’s account and verify basic information.)

Me: “I apologize sir. Programming is determined by the network. In order to view a different program, the channel needs to be changed on your set-top box.”

Caller: “I’m bedridden and I don’t have the remote by me.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. I am not able to change the channel for you. I can only reboot your set-top box which would turn it off completely.”

Caller: *begins to vent about how I’m not fixing his issue*

Me: “I apologize that this is not something I can ‘fix’ sir. I can not make Spike show a different program. It is their prerogative to play a marathon of Cops for five days sir. This can be ‘corrected’ by changing the channel from your remote.”

Caller: “Thanks for nothing.” *click*

(I went home and saw that the ‘Cops’ marathon didn’t end until five pm that evening. This was January 5th and it started on New Years Day.)

Sales Of The Witching Hour

| MO, USA | Bizarre, Religion

(It is Halloween time. We have lots of decorations all over the cafe. One is a sign that says, “I’m a real witch with or without my coffee.” It’s all cartoonish with a witch on a broomstick and all that.)

Customer: “Can I ask you a question?”

Coworker: “Sure.”

Customer: *points to the sign* “Is that a real thing? Like, is it serious?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Customer: “Is it about real witches?”

Coworker: “Uh… real witches?”

Customer: “Yeah. Like, Satan worship.”

Coworker: “Uh…”

(So I step in because my coworker was just stunned.)

Me: “Oh, it’s just for Halloween.”

Customer: “So it’s a joke.”

Coworker: “Yeah, it’s a joke.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. It’s funny. But, you know, there are real witches.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

Customer: “Like, people who say they’re witches and worship Satan. My brother dated one once. Not that I’m judging!”

Me: “It’s just supposed to be funny…”

Customer: “Okay. That’s good that it’s not about Satan.”

Me: “Yep… not about Satan.”

Customer: *smiles and waves* “Okay, bye. God Bless.”

Coworker: “Was she saying that Wiccans worship Satan?”

Me: “Uh…”

(So now I refer to our employee meetings as Meetings of the Coffee Coven and my coworker and I started saying, “Hail Satan!” before leaving at the ends of our shifts.)

Red Faced With Failure

| GA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(It is National Wear Red Day. A customer comes in, all in red, and after shopping approached the cashier.)

Customer: “Why aren’t you wearing any red?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”

Customer: “Red! Why aren’t you wearing red?! It’s National Wear Red Day for women’s heart disease!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I am wearing red. Our store’s color is red.”

Customer: “But you’re not wearing it for National Red Day! And your jewelry isn’t red!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry—”

Customer: “YOU FAIL!”

Cashier: “I… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “YOU FAIL!” *turns to customer behind her* “YOU FAIL, TOO!” *storms out without making purchase*

Customer #2: “Glad to know I fail.”

His Place In The World Is An Asylum

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bigotry, Bizarre

(I’m making a call over the intercom requesting that a customer remove their car from a no parking zone. My coworkers like to make fun of me, since it’s become my personal mission to make sure nobody parks there. My coworker is serving a seemingly normal gentleman at the time.)

Customer: “You know, you ladies should be changing the world!”

Coworker: “Yeah, [My Name], and it starts with you getting that vehicle to move!”

(We both laugh, but the customer goes on.)

Customer: “I’m serious! We all have our place in the world. You know, us white people, we’re supposed to protect the water.”

(At this point, we realize he’s completely serious.)

Customer: “And the Africans? They protect the animals. And the brown people? You know, like the Aboriginals and the, uh, Middle Eastern people? Well, they’re always fighting over land, so I think they’re supposed to protect the land!”

(My coworker and I are speechless. The customer continues.)

Customer: “And the yellow people! You know, the Asians? Well they’re supposed to feed us all!”

(The customer continues on his rant, saying things I can’t quite catch, and then leaves.)

Coworker: *to me* “Why do we only get the weird ones when we work together?”

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