Category: Bizarre

For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

Off-Color Off-Camera Remark

| Ireland | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Popular

(The bookshop I work in is located in quite a busy city station. People are usually rushing and forget stuff all the time, so we get phone calls almost daily regarding forgotten bags, wallets, and purchases.)

Me: “Good morning, [Company].”

Customer: Ah, hello, yes. I was in your shop last night and I left my wallet behind on the counter.”

Me: “Oh, sure, and were you in the book department or the news?”

Customer: “Newspapers.”

Me: “Sure thing. Hang on there and let me just check with the girls.”

(I phone across to News, and after a couple of enquiries, no wallet is forthcoming. I get back on to the customer.)

Me: “Hi, sorry, the girls say there’s no sign of any wallet left behind the counter or in the safe or anything. It was definitely in News, was it?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, definitely.”

Me: “Okay, hang on again. It may’ve been brought across to our office for safe-keeping. Let me just double-check.”

(I phone inside to the cash office with my enquiries, to no avail, and get back on to the customer.)

Me: “Okay, no one can seem to find your wallet, but listen: the girls who worked the close last night aren’t in yet today, so if I can just get your phone number and description, I’ll have our security guard check the CCTV from last night and see if we can’t track it down.”

(I get the customer’s description, colour of clothing, time of transaction. She even describes her daughter’s details to me so I can pick them out in the busy milling shop-floor, and I promise to call her right back as soon as I find anything. The security guard and I head inside and after a few seconds searching, find the customers fitting the description, at the correct time. We watch the transaction. No wallet was left behind. I get back on the phone.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Company]. Is that [Customer]? Yes, hi. Well, the security guard and I just had a quick peep through the CCTV from last night and you didn’t actually leave your wallet behind in our shop.”

Customer: “I did.”

Me: *nonplussed* “Eh… you didn’t, though.”

(I describe the scene I just watched, down to the bright green well-known grocery bag carried by her and another carried by her daughter.)

Customer: *still eerily calm and unconcerned* “I left my wallet on your counter.”

(At this point, my supervisor is hovering nearby, watching my incredulous expression intently.)

Me: “You paid for your purchases and put your wallet back in your bag. It’s quite clear on the camera.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t care what’s on the camera.”

(I hold the phone away from my ear and stare at it like it’s an alien, before covering the receiver and turning to my supervisor.)

Me: “She says she doesn’t care what’s on the camera. I have no idea what to do with that.”

(My supervisor now takes the phone from me, lest my head actually explode. I wander off, shaking my not-yet-exploded head. To this day I’ve never understood quite what happened there.)

Miss Universe Hotline

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bizarre

(I’m wrapping up a sales call with a customer, and I ask the usual question:)

Me: “Is there anything else I could get for you today?”

Customer: “A better world…”

Something To Shout About

| NC, USA | Bizarre, Popular, Spouses & Partners

(I’m walking into a local grocery store like any other day, when suddenly I hear a guy behind me shout something very loudly and incoherently for no discernible reason. Obviously, this scares the living daylights out of me. I turn around and see two men and a woman walking behind me. The woman, whom I assume to be the older gentleman’s wife, has clearly seen me jump out of my skin and smacks her arm across his chest in a scolding manner. I say nothing and go about my business. Later, as I’m checking out:)

Cashier: “I saw what happened when you came in. You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. A little unnerved, though.”

Cashier: “The guy who yelled at you was getting an earful from his wife when they came in.”

Me: “Well, I’d imagine so…”

Another Cashier: “No, she was PISSED! She said something along the lines of, ‘What the H*** is wrong with you?!’ and ‘You might be a walking heart attack waiting to happen but that doesn’t mean you can give someone else one!’”

(I and the other cashier started laughing. Later I found a note on my windshield saying, “Sorry my idiot husband scared you.”)

Deathly Afraid Of This

| UK | Bizarre, Popular, Religion

(I work in a mortuary (or ‘morgue’ as they’re called in the US). One of the deceased gentlemen in our care is being visited by his daughter in our chapel of rest. She rings the bell to summon me.)

Woman: “I need to give you something to keep with him”

(This is a fairly normal request. People often like to leave things like photographs and cards with their loved-ones.)

Me: “Of course; I’ll make sure it stays with him.”

Woman: *handing me a sandwich in a bag and a bottle of water* “This is for when he wakes up; I expect he’ll be hungry and thirsty.”

Me: *trying to keep my facial expression neutral* “Uh, for, when… when he wakes up?”

Woman: “Yes, my church group has been praying for him and the church leader says he should wake up any time now. He’s seen it happen lots of times before, firsthand.”

Me: “Uh. Well, okay… I will certainly make sure these stay with him.”

Woman: “And you’ll call me as soon as he wakes up?”

Me: “I promise that if he wakes up, I’ll call you and let you know straight away.”

Woman: *completely seriously and straight-faced* “Thank you. I hope he doesn’t take too long about it.”

(The following day she called in the morning to check whether he was awake. A coworker and I checked, half-afraid of what we might find, but alas he was still deceased and the sandwich and water were untouched. Later that day the woman arrived with her entire church group and introduced me to the leader who explained to me once again, completely straight-faced, that he had successfully managed to resurrect several people before now so was confident he’d be able to in this instance. They stayed a while, praying and singing, then eventually left.  The deceased never woke up, and he and his sandwich eventually left for the funeral home.)

That’s Some Very Explicit Baggage

| Cape Town, South Africa | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I work as a cashier at a well-known chain of pharmacies where “You Pay Less.” A woman approaches my till and sets her items down to be scanned. I start reciting the script as we are trained. Note that it is law to charge for the government-regulated plastic bags.)

Me: “Good day and welcome to [Store]. Do you have a [Loyalty Card?]”

Customer: *flings the card at me wordlessly*

Me: “Thank you.” *scans items* “Your total is [total]. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “A medium bag will be [a few cents].”

Customer: “What?! This is a scam! They are bending us over and ramming us deep!”

Me: “…”

Customer: *loudly* “I’m telling you, it’s not much but it adds up. I must have spent HUNDREDS on bags in my lifetime! Hundreds to line the pockets of some GREEDY FAT CAT WHO JUST WANTS TO BEND ME OVER AND RAM ME HARD!”

Me: “So… would you like a bag?”

Customer: “I don’t want to be someone’s little b****! I’m not going to let them bend ME over!” *grabs her purchases and hurries from the store, muttering to herself about being ‘bent over and rammed’*

(The other customers in the line all cracked up.)

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