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Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

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A Very Specific Need(le)

| Austin, TX, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I’m at the front counter of a small veterinary clinic when a young couple that I’ve never seen before come in, followed by a regular client.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Man: “Yeah, I need to give my dog some medicine, but I don’t have a syringe. Can I buy a syringe?”

Me: “Sure, what size do you need?”

Man: “I just need a syringe!”

Me: “I understand. How much medicine is it that your dog needs? We have syringes that measure in tenth ml increments, and in larger sizes up to 60mls.”

Man: “Just sell me a syringe!”

Me: “Give me just a minute.”

(I go to the back and return with syringes in a variety of sizes. None of them have a needle attached.)

Me: “These are what we have; which one would you like?”

Man: “NO! I need a SYRINGE!” *gestures with his finger as if giving himself an IV injection in the arm*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t sell needles.”

(The man leaves in a huff, the woman trails behind. Before they are even through the door, my regular client walks up, slams his hand down on the counter and says loudly:)

Regular: “What does it take to get some heroin in this place?”

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Don’t Mess With The Moose

| MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Tourists/Travel

(I work for a state park, and we get asked a lot of the same questions every day. Sometimes we hear them enough and we simply respond by making some BS answer and continue leading the customer the wrong way, just so they will stop complaining.)

Customer: “This is my first time ever visiting here and I was wondering, when do the deer turn into moose?”

Me: *having heard this at least five times* “Usually around the end of October through the middle of November.”

Customer: “Could you be more specific on the date?”

Me: “My apologies, but it varies from year to year. Some years are better than others and they turn much quicker, though I have a feeling this is one of those years.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you for the useful information!”

(The man walked away thinking deer turn into moose. My coworkers asked how long I had been thinking of that answer. I made it up as we were talking, hoping he would catch my sarcasm…)

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Hold Your Breath For Crazy Cat Lady

| OR, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am working as an emergency room veterinarian and stop at a 24-hour grocery store near my house on my way home after work, still wearing my scrubs, at about 3 am.)

Me: *gets in the checkout line behind a woman, the only other customer*

Woman: *turns to me* “Are you a nurse? My cousin’s a nurse!”

Me: “What? Oh, no, I’m actually a veterinarian.”

Woman: “Oh, that’s so wonderful! That means you get to work with cats! That must be the best job in the world, because you get to be with cats all day. I bet you love your job!”

Me: *crazy cat lady alarm bells going off* “It can be pretty rewarding, yeah.”

Woman: “Cats are just the best. Well, of course YOU know that. You work with them! Aren’t they just the greatest? They’re just so amazing, the way they breathe!”

Me: “Um… what?”

Woman: “You know, the way they breathe! They breathe for us! They just breathe it in, breathe in all of our negative energy, everything, just breathe it all in and turn it to light! They’re the only animals that breathe for us! You must know that though. I’m sure they teach you that! They must tell you all about how they breathe!”

Me: “Uh… sure?” *looks at the cashier who by this point is trying to get the woman’s attention* “I think the cashier needs you to pay now.”

(The woman pays and leaves, continuing to babble on about cats to me and the cashier.)

Cashier: “Find everything you need?”

Me: “Depends. Do you stock crazy cat lady repellent?”

Cashier: *laughs* “I’ve actually seen crazier while working nights.”

Me: “Sadly, so have I…”