Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

Doesn’t Have This Pet Thing Nailed

| MD, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(A customer brings in 80lb bulldog in for B&B.)

Me: “So do you want me to just trim his nails or file them, too?”

Customer: “Oh! I only want you to file them. I live near the woods so he needs to be able to protect himself. So make sure they stay sharp.”

Me: “Sir, what do you think is going to get him?”

Customer: “I don’t know… like a rodent.”

Me: “What kind of rodent?”

Customer: “A raccoon or a… fox.”

Me: “Well, that’s why he has a mouth full of teeth to protect himself. He’s going to use those, not his front feet.”

Customer: “Uh, well, just make sure you don’t cut them. Like I said he needs to be able to protect himself.”

Time To Drop The Dead Donkey

| USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I used to work at a pet store. One day during my second month on the job, a woman walks in and taps me on the shoulder while I am stocking pet food.)

Woman: “Excuse me, what is your largest size for pet shock collars?”

Me: “Our biggest size is about [collar size].”

Woman: “Would that be large enough to fit a donkey?”

(A nearby coworker of mine heard the conversation and walked over.)

Coworker: “Why do you need a shock collar for a donkey?”

Woman: “My neighbor’s donkey keeps getting into my yard and eating my flowers. I already put an electric fence out, now I just need a collar for the donkey.”

Me: “Can’t you just tell your neighbor that their donkey is eating your flowers?”

Woman: “NO! That’s extremely rude, and besides, my neighbor doesn’t speak English!”

Coworker: “Uhh… okay. We could probably find a size if we saw how big the donkey is.”

Woman: “All right.”

(She uses her phone to show us a picture of a plastic yard decoration that looks like a donkey. This woman is obviously on some kind of medication.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a decoration, not a real donkey. Your flowers are probably being eaten by rabbits or insects.”

Woman: “ARE YOU F****** BLIND?! THAT IS CLEARLY A LIVING DONKEY! HOW COULD RABBITS POSSIBLY EAT MY FLOWERS? I CAST A PROTECTIVE SPELL AROUND MY GARDEN!”

Me: “Maybe you should’ve cast a donkey-proof spell…”

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 8

| IN, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

(Two summers ago I worked as an intern for the state fair. Part of my job was to register students for a pre-veterinary day camp in partnership with a state university. The campers talk to veterinarians & vet students, practice sutures, watch a surgery, etc. A mother calls to register her middle-school aged daughter. It goes normally until this point:)

Mother: “Will my daughter interact with any live animals? Like dogs or cats?”

Me: “Actually she won’t, although she’ll have the opportunity to watch a surgery through glass. I’m sorry if that’s disappointing!”

Mother: “Oh, no, I’m so glad! My daughter is very allergic to dogs and cats! She can’t stand to be around them!”

(The mother goes on to tell me what a great opportunity this & how much her daughter wants to be a veterinarian. I didn’t have the heart to point out this probably isn’t the career field for her…)

Related:
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 7
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 6
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 5

Barking Orders

| Cape Town, South Africa | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am a customer at a supermarket. I watch this scene unfold at the checkout. It’s extremely busy and there are long lines at all the checkouts. The customer in front of me is a middle-aged woman.)

Customer: “Please, please hurry! You’re so slow. I’ve left my dog in my car, and it’s so terribly hot.”

(It’s actually a cool, cloudy day. As the employee scans the large number of items in her trolley as fast as she possibly can, the customer keeps muttering about her dog and how slow she is.)

Customer: “Wait! Isn’t there a discount on this item? It’s showing [amount] on the display, but there’s supposed to be a special offer of [amount] off.”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am, if you just look at the line below:” *indicating the display*

Customer: *ignoring her* “No, you’re wrong. I’ll prove it! Wait a minute.”

(She rushes off into the supermarket, leaving the whole line standing and waiting. She’s gone a long time, and everyone is showing signs of impatience. Eventually she comes back carrying the price tag and special offer notice that she’s ripped off the shelf.)

Customer: “You see! There’s supposed to be a discount of [amount].”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am. There’s the discount correctly shown on the line below the item.” *she shows her on the display*

(After much peering she reluctantly agrees.)

Customer: “Wait! Here’s my loyalty card. Oh, my poor dog! He’s waiting for me in that hot car.”

(She fishes around in her purse for some time before producing her loyalty card.)

Customer: *repacking a bag* “No, don’t put that in this bag.” *she fusses around, transferring items from one bag to another*

Employee: “Your total is [amount].”

(She spends some time looking slowly through her wallet before she produces a credit card.)

Customer: “And I’d like [amount] cash back, please.”

(The employee processes the transaction and hands her her cash back. With a look of relief, the employee turns to me, next in line.)

Customer: “Wait! You gave me all hundreds. Can you please give me two fifties instead of this hundred? I need some change.”

Employee: “I’ve already closed the drawer ma’am. You’ll have to wait until it opens for the next transaction.”

Customer: “You’re so slow and inefficient. Don’t you know that I have a dog waiting in my hot car?”

Customer Behind Me: *coming forward* “Here, I’ve got change for you.”

(He handed her two fifties for her hundred and she finally left, still muttering about the dog in the hot car. I quickly finished checking out, and walked out into the parking lot. I walked past the customer, busy putting her bags into her car. There was no dog in the car.)

The Cat’s Last Meow

| OH, USA | Pets & Animals

(Our small animal clinic opens an hour before the doctor comes in, during which time our grooming appointments, boarding appointments, etc. can come in, as well as customers looking for medication or food. We also receive a few calls. Because things are usually quiet, I am the only one answering phones.)

Caller: “Hi, um, I have a cat? It’s having some trouble.”

Me: “What seems to be going on?”

Caller: “Well, is there a reason a cat wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom?”

Me: “Is he having trouble urinating or defecating?”

Caller: “I’m not sure; he’s straining in the litter box.”

Me: “Well, potty problems can be caused by a lot of things in cats. If he’s not going poo, that could be constipation. If he’s not urinating, that could be something more serious, like a UTI or a urinary blockage, which would require immediate attention.”

Caller: “Can I bring him in right now?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not have a doctor here right now. If you do feel this is an emergency, I would recommend Local Emergency Vet #1 or Local Emergency Vet #2. Would you like either of their numbers?”

Caller: “Well, he’s actually a pretty old cat, and I don’t want to spend that kind of money. Can I just bring him in and you look at him?”

Me: “I am not licensed to practice veterinary medicine, ma’am. I’m afraid only a vet can provide medical advice.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not going to have any time later today. Do you have any appointments tomorrow?”

Me: *wondering if she’s heard the part where I said this is definitely an emergency* “Yes?”

(We make the appointment, and she asks to make a grooming appointment for her cat immediately following his examination, which I reluctantly book.)

Me: “And again, if he continues showing signs of pain, do consider calling back or taking him to an emergency vet.”

(The cat did make it to the appointment the next day — by a thread. The vet ended up referring him to the emergency vet for surgical intervention, which they cheerfully accepted.)

Caller: “Nah, he’s old. If he can’t tough it out, he’s had a good life!”