Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

Customers Like A Fish Out Of Water

| Sunnyvale, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I work in the animal department of a big pet store chain.)

Me: “Hi, I hear you’re looking to buy a fish today!”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanted to get my friend one for her birthday.”

Me: “Okay, did she already buy everything she needs? Tank, filter, bubbler?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “How big is the tank? Just so you know these guys can get really big, up to two feet sometimes.”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

(I show her an aisle of some different tank sizes, and she points to the 10-gallon. It’s technically enough for a small goldfish for a while, and at this point I can’t say no. I’m asking a few more questions about the setup when she starts to look impatient.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, but, can I just get the fish already? I’ve got to get back to work.”

Me: *I stare at her, confused* “Work?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m on my lunch break.”

Me: “Uh, how long until you will be off of work? You should probably just come back to buy the fish later.”

Customer: “Like, three hours. It’s fine, I’ll put it in the car.”

(It’s the middle of a heat wave in California, at least 90 degrees outside.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just leave the fish in the car for a few hours. Even if I could sell it to you, it would probably die and you’d be right back in here.”

Customer: *doesn’t even look annoyed, just… kinda blank* “Oh.” *after a few moments* “What if I take it with me?”

Me: “Into your work?”

Customer: “Yeah, I can put it in the break room.”

(I proceeded to explain to her, again, that the fish would probably die in the bag before she even got it to her friend’s tank. After a few more minutes of her still trying to get the fish, she left. I didn’t see her again.)


| St. Louis, MO, USA | Family & Kids, History, Pets & Animals, Religion

(I work as an educator in a science museum in St. Louis. One of the activities in my section of the museum involved putting together the cast of a Dromaeosaurus skeleton.)

Eight-Year-Old Boy: “I know why this dinosaur died.”

Me: “You do?”

Eight-Year-Old Boy: “He was a smoker.”

(Later that day, a middle school group is passing by…)

Seventh-Grade Girl: *addressing her peers* “This dinosaur died because he didn’t believe in Jesus.”

Not Very Cagey About Their Drinking

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(A woman has come in looking for a hamster for her seven-year-old daughter’s birthday the next day. I’ve gone over the basic care instructions and all that’s left is to pick out the cage.)

Me: “Okay, so the dwarf hamster is pretty small, and any of these cages will be big enough. I would recommend this one, since it comes with food, bedding, food dish and a water bottle.”

Customer: “Which one is the easiest to put together? I’m gonna be pretty drunk tonight when I set this thing up.”

Me: “…Let me show you the pre-assembled cages.”

Please Do Not Be Fed By The Customers

| CA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(I am a senior barn helper/junior instructor at a riding stable for children on the autism spectrum. One rider’s mother is dropping off her daughter and brings some food for the horses, including a large bag of apricots, which are bad for horses, and gourds, which are also not good for horses.)

Mother: *to daughter* “See, you just give them the apricots like this!”

Me: “Um, I don’t think apricots are really good for horses. Especially the pits.”

Mother: *gesturing to stable owner* “But she said it was okay! They’re just apricots!”

(The stable owner is talking to the senior instructor about the lesson schedule for today at this point.)

Me: *seeing I can’t do anything to stop her, since she’s already fed at least four apricots to one of the horses* “Just take the pit out first. And don’t force the horses to eat them. They’re sensitive to acidic foods.”

Mother: “Oh, okay!”

(She proceeds to take the pits out, but drops them on the floor outside one of the horse’s stalls. We have a dog at the stable, too, so I pick up the pits before he can eat them.)

Me: “Can you also put the pits over in the compost heap so the dog doesn’t get them, please? He could choke on them.”

Mother: “Oh, sure. And what about these gourds? My friend gave them to me and said the horses would love them.”

Me: “Well, horses don’t eat gourds, but maybe the goats will be interested.”

(Our goat appear rather fat from grazing constantly, but are actually quite agile and can get through tight spaces if need be, a fact the mother doesn’t seem to grasp.)

Mother: *trying to whack open a gourd against a wooden tack trunk* “Ugh. This thing won’t open. Do you happen to have a knife somewhere around here?”

Me: “Um, no, we don’t. Try that lemon cucumber. My goats like those.”

Mother: *breaking open lemon cucumber* “Oh, wow! This looks like a cucumber but…” *sniffs* “…it smells like a lemon!”

Me: “That’s why they call it a lemon cucumber. Here, I’ll offer it to the goats and you can just leave your gourd there on the trunk.”

Mother: *not paying attention* “Here, goat! Eat this!”

(She waves the lemon cucumber in the goat’s face. The goat, understandably, backs away, towards a gap you wouldn’t expect it to fit through. The mother goes to the other side of a shed to find the other goat, who also backs away. She comes back to the first goat, which is now gone.)

Mother: *looking around* “Where’d it go? It couldn’t have gone through that gap! Or under the shed! Where is it? Why’d it leave?”

Me: *to my co-volunteer* “Maybe it went through the gap because you’re shoving food it doesn’t want in its face?”

Co-Volunteer: “And maybe she should trust us when we say not to feed something to an animal?”

The Amphibious Ambiguous Government

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(I am ringing a customer out for some products for her turtle.)

Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

Customer: “Ha! And let the government know I have a turtle? No, thank you!”

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