Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

This Diet Should Bug You More

| IL, USA | Pets & Animals

(I work in the back of the store with the animals and answer questions that customers have about their pets. Part of my job is catching crickets (small or large) for customers to feed to their reptiles. I had just finished talking to them about some of the other animals that we carry as a little bit of chit chat before asking what I could help them with.)

Customer #1: “Yes, I would like…” *she pauses to think for a moment* “…six large crickets, please.”

Customer #2: “Oh, are you getting those for [Lizard]?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, I figure I’m getting treats for all the other animals, I shouldn’t leave him out.” *she then turns to me* “Hey, at what age are bearded dragons too old for crickets?”

(I look at her dumbstruck for a moment but quickly recover and inform her as quickly and thoroughly as I can that they are omnivores which means they NEED both meat and plant matter throughout their entire lives.)

Customer #1: “Oh. Well, what happens when they don’t get crickets?”

Me: “Well, if they don’t receive any sort of insects with their diet they won’t be as healthy because they’re lacking the majority of the protein that they should be eating.”

Customer #1: “Well, he must not be very healthy then, because he hasn’t had crickets in like… six months.”

Customer #2: “Uhh… did you want to get him more than those six then?”

Me: “It might not be a bad idea, just so you have some on hand and can help him start getting the protein levels up.”

Customer #1: “Nah, I think he’ll be fine.”

Finally Got Them Bugging Out

| OR, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

(I am at my volunteer job in the local shelter when a woman and her daughter, who is maybe eight to nine years old, come in to check out our kittens. The daughter immediately comes up to me.)

Girl: “Do you have any monkeys?”

Me: “No, we just have cats and dogs, and I think we have a rabbit right now, too.”

Girl: “I love monkeys! I’m going to get one as a pet!”

(She continues to talk about how much she loves monkeys and wants to have one of her very own, while her mother adopts an “oh, no, here we go again” expression.)

Me: “Well, the thing is, it’s actually pretty difficult to keep a monkey as a pet.”

Girl: “It is?”

Me: “Yup. See, monkeys don’t like to be by themselves,; they get really unhappy if they’re left alone all day when you’re in school.”

Girl: “They do?”

Me: “Absolutely. Also, they can be hard to feed correctly. Do you know what monkeys eat?”

Girl: “I’d feed my monkey bananas!”

Me: “Well, some monkeys eat fruit, but they can’t eat only bananas. They need to eat a wide variety of fruits to stay healthy. And some monkeys don’t eat fruit, they eat bugs.”

Girl: “Really?”

Me: “Yup, they eat worms and flies and caterpillars…”

Girl: “Eeeew! I don’t want something that eats bugs! Maybe I shouldn’t get a monkey.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a lot easier to keep a kitten. Would you like to hold one?”

(I showed her several of our kittens. As the two of them were leaving, her mother turned to me and whispered “thank you” with a very profound look of relief.)

The Epic Saga Of Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum

| Norwalk, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(I work as the main cashier at my store during the 5 to 11 shift. One day several months ago some kid tried to purchase a toy lizard without having the money for it. At first I didn’t think much of it but, on a whacky whim, I put him on my shoulder for a little bit and the customers loved it. I bought the lizard and he’s been a mainstay ever since. I bring him out once or twice a month and usually let him ‘rest’ on my shoulder or head. Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum has been a huge hit, especially with the kids. A lot of people think he’s alive, though, due to me being in constant motion checking people out and it’s usually not until they get up to the checkout that they realize he’s not. A customer enters in with two kids, a boy and girl, in tow. The boy doesn’t seem to notice or care as I welcome them but the girl smiles and waves to me.)

Daughter: “Mommy! Mommy! Look! There’s a lizard on his head!” *points to Reginald*

(The mother doesn’t say anything but gives a quite clearly startled look as they continue on. Several minutes later they arrive at the cashier.)

Me: “Hello. How are you today? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Mother: *looking at my head* “Is he real?”

Me: “Reginald? Yes. He’s a real fake lizard.” *I take him off my hand and put him in the palm of my hand and bring him down for all three to see*

Me: “See? Want to touch?”

(The kids eagerly do so and give him a poke before giggling. The mother looks very wary as she extends her finger forwards and, gingerly, touches him on his lizard-horn. She suddenly freaks out and swats at my hand sending Reginald to the ground as she darts away. Reggie lands on his back with the ‘Made in China’ showing clearly. The son quickly picks it up, hands it to his slightly taller sister, who gives it back to me as the mother calms down.)

Daughter: “Here you go, mister!”

Mother: “Oh, dear lord, I thought he was real!”

Son: “Mommy. Can I buy him?”

Me: “Sorry. Reginald is not for sale. But there are plenty of his cousins in the toy aisle including some dinosaurs and the like in case you’re interested. They cost about five bucks each.”

Mother: “Do you want one?”

(Both the son and daughter agree and run off, returning a moment later, with another lizard that looks like Reginald and a T-rex, right as we finish checking out.)

Mother: “All right. And add these to the order. Oh, my word, I haven’t been so startled in years. May I have your name?”

Me: “Sure. It’s [My Name], and the lizard is Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum.”

Mother: “Thank you so much.”

(I found out later that night that they had filed a survey and given me a high score. Sadly, the tale of Sir Reginald did not end on a happy note when he was stolen a few months later, just before Christmas. However, his heir, Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum the Second, has proven to be just as popular as his predecessor and has even had an outfit made for him for the Christmas season. My balance and posture has also drastically improved as well, thanks to him resting on top of my head all day.)

Will You See Them Later, Alligator?

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I work at a place where we have arcade games and things like that. We also have alligators out front that you can get food for and feed if you want to. None of the staff mess with the gators; we mostly just leave them alone.)

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you can. My family and I want to swim with the alligators. How much is that?”

Me: “Um, sir, we don’t offer that service because… the gators will eat you.”

Customer: “That’s stupid! I know you’re lying to me! They are tamed; otherwise you couldn’t feed them. Go get your manager!”

Me: *goes and gets manager, and tells manager what happened*

Manager: “If you want to go swim with the gators go ahead. Free of charge.”

Customer: “Finally someone with sense!”

Manager: *turns to me* “Sometimes you just gotta save the savable.”

It’s The Anchovy Pizza That Gave It Away

| Thomasville, GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I am a pizza delivery girl. There is this one nice old lady who orders three times a week. She lives out in the middle of nowhere and her house is always a pain to get to. She always tips the exact same $1.25. This delivery takes place the day before a hurricane came through and it’s not pretty outside. When I get to the house and knock on her door. I do not see her cat like I usually do.)

Customer: “Did you see my cat, dear?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I did not see him today. The weather isn’t great; he’s probably just scared and hiding.”

Customer: “All right. just keep an eye out as you back out of here.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

(I watched for the cat. Never saw that cat. It was incredibly busy that day and I was the only driver scheduled as no one else was willing to brave the weather and come in. Every time I walked in the store, I walked out with no less than three deliveries. The next time I walked in my manager told me about the lady calling asking if I stole her cat. I said no I did not see that cat. I went on four more deliveries. I came back about 30 minutes later, the manager telling me she called three more times, demanding he check my car for the cat that she just knew I stole. This crazy lady called seven times in all. The last time she swore she would never order again. After three days my general manager called her to ask if she found her cat. She had. It ran off because of the storm. She offered no apology to me, hung up on my manager, and has never ordered again.  It’s now a running joke anytime my three cats leave paw prints on my car that I must have stolen that cat or if someone doesn’t tip that I will steal their pet. Everyone at work got a kick of this one.)

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