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Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

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Being Nice Isn’t In Her ‘Lexi’-con

| FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work at a local veterinarian office as a part time handler and assistant. On one of my days off I bring my own dog in to get her checked. It is fairly crowded, so I take my dog over to an unoccupied corner to wait. A few minutes later a woman comes in literally dragging a young Boxer puppy through the door on a choke chain.)

Woman: *stomps up to the counter* “There’s something wrong with my dog!”

Tech: “I’m sorry to hear that! Can I get your name and some information on your little pup there?”

Woman: *yanks on leash, making the pup yelp* “It won’t listen to me! I’m doing all the d*** commands that your trainer told me to, and it won’t do s***! I’m using your advice, so fix it!”

Tech: “Ma’am, please don’t use that language. Can you tell me your puppy’s name?”

Woman: “Lexi. It won’t even walk right! How the h*** am I supposed to breed this b**** if it can’t learn simple s*** like this?!”

(At this point the poor pup’s eyes are bulging out and she is panting very roughly as the woman waves her arms around and yanks on the lead. I’m not much a fan of people breeding dogs, period, but this woman’s total lack of concern for her pup is setting off all sorts of alarm bells for me. I hang my dog’s leash on one of the provided hooks, give her a ‘stay’ gesture, and quickly go over to help.)

Tech: *looking distressed at the swearing* “Oh! Ma’am, if you need help with dog behavior, this young woman can help you. She’s an off duty handler and one of our best.” *looks to me expectantly* Do you think you can work your magic?”

Me: *gives enraged woman a dead stare* “Not on this b****.”

Woman: “I told you! I don’t need some f****** hippie kid to train my dog! It obviously has something wrong in the head!”

Me: *points to leash* “May I?” *I take the leash without waiting and then plop down on the ground to loosen the chain so that the puppy can breathe* “Hey there lil’ Lexi. Man, that must have been scary. So many new sights and smells and noises! New people and even new, bigger versions of you! I’d be peeing myself, seriously.”

Woman: “What the f*** are you doing?!”

Me: *rubbing the now much more receptive pup on the head* “I’m training her. Now, Lexi, sweetie. I know this big mean b**** has been bad. But I can’t whack her with a newspaper, so let’s set her right, huh? Now, I know that having something around your neck is really scary. But if we don’t do this, then the person with you might get lost and losing your human is punishable by a fine. So do you think you want to try walking with me for a minute?”

(I make a show to the pup of loosening her chain and going into a crouch. Lexi also stands up from her sit and looks at me.)

Me: “All right! Let’s go!”

(I pop up and walk a few steps. Little Lexi stays right next to me and we do a circuit of the waiting room. I give her praise and encourage her to ‘show off to the big guys’ as we go past the other dogs. We come around to my dog, who sniffs the newcomer then goes back to lounging, disinterested. Seeing that they have no issue with each other, I hang the pup’s leash up with my dog’s and go back to the counter.)

Me: “And that is why you ask nicely.”

Woman: “You’re a witch!”

(The woman started screaming profanities at how I ‘hexed’ her dog. The lead vet came out at the commotion and after we explained the situation, she threw the woman out and reported her to the police. When we looked at the security tapes from outside we saw her kick the poor pup when it wouldn’t move from her car, and she was later arrested for animal abuse. My dad’s girlfriend agreed to raise lil’ Lexi and she is now a very happy, sweet dog with no issues on a leash.)

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Vegan La Revolution!

| MA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(I’ve worked at several museums relating to the Revolutionary War, so I’m used to people coming in wanting me to affirm their various political agendas about firearms. This threw me for a loop though, as I was cornered in a completely unrelated exhibit about nature and philosophy.)

Patron: “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course.”

Patron: “What exactly is transcendentalism?”

(This is a pretty common question, and I do my best to explain it for him.)

Patron: “Oh, okay… So, like, are YOU a transcendentalist?”

Me: *laughs* “Well, to be honest, a lot of their talk goes over my head. But I guess I’m a bit of a tree-hugger like Henry Thoreau.”

Patron: “Tree-hugger? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Me: *a bit taken aback* “Oh, you know, just that I’m inspired by nature. Not that I chain myself to trees or anything.”

Patron: “Oh good, I thought that meant you were a vegan or something. I’m a hunter.”

Me: “I’m not vegan; that’s fine.”

Patron: “But I make sure to use every part of the animal.”

Me: “That’s good. I respect responsible hunters.”

Patron: “And the gun is good for self defense, of course.”

Me: “Okay.”

Patron: “Because the Revolution is going to happen again, you know.”

Me: “Sorry… I need to go help those people over there now.”

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His Request Is Dead In The Water

| MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Transportation

(My last customer of the day/week is absolutely irate because company policy prevents us from moving his 55-gallon aquarium, which is full of 20 fish and 50 gallons of water.)

Customer: “Jesus Christ, this is ridiculous. You’re telling me that you’re a professional moving company, and you won’t move an aquarium.”

Me: “Not if it is full. We move aquariums, but they must be completely emptied out prior to move day.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with 20 fish and 50 gallons of water?!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I and my friend moved this thing BY OURSELVES the last time I moved.”

Me: “Sir, when you put a full aquarium on a truck with the rest of your belongings, it is very likely that the water would spill onto your other items and ruin them. It’s also likely that water would cause our men to slip and hurt themselves. We can’t transport liquids of any kinds due to the safety hazard.”

Customer: “It won’t spill because I let 4-5 inches evaporate because I knew I was moving. I could move this thing myself; I just don’t WANT to do it. This is f****** ridiculous. I want to speak to a manager.”

Me: “I’d LOVE for you to speak with my manager.”

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This Situation Has Gone To The Dogs

| NC, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am the district manager for a company that uses guerrilla marketing tactics. I am out with one of my subordinates doing handouts house to house in a rural area. We happen upon an abandoned house and are shocked to see a puppy and an older dog confined with no access to water or food in 90 degree weather. We call the animal control, which is handled by the sheriff’s department. He is filing his report after having watered the dogs and trying to figure out what to do when suddenly a lady comes stomping through an open field from a house two streets over.)

Lady: “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DOGS?!”

Officer: *pissed* “Oh, these are YOUR dogs? Well, then, I guess we were just looking for you.”

Lady: “What can I help you with?”

Officer: “Can you please tell me why your dogs are located at an abandoned residence? They didn’t have any water, and it’s hot out here!”

Lady: “Well, my son brought this puppy home yesterday and all he does is howl. We hadn’t figured out what to do with them yet… Why are y’all in my backyard?”

Officer: “This is not your backyard. This an abandoned residence! You live on a whole different street! Your animals should be kept on your property where you can care for them! You understand I could bring charges against you for your dogs not having any water, right?”

Lady: “I gave them water this morning! How was I supposed to know they were out?” *to me* “If you hadn’t been trespassing this wouldn’t be an issue!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me! You would know they were out of water if they were kept close to your residence!”

Lady: “I’m not allowed to have pets! They shouldn’t have been in my backyard. I want them charged with trespassing!” *to me* “I’ll see you end up in jail for this!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me. You have to deal with me now because I’m coming back in 24 hours. Here is a list of infractions I need corrected so that YOU don’t end up in jail for animal cruelty!”

(The woman continues to rant about how we were trespassing and since we are supposed to be working we head on our way. I return to the office to find that she has been calling waiting for a supervisor to return. I do not bother to return her call; however, I happened to answer when she calls back in.)

Lady: “I’m trying to reach a manager!”

Me: “That would be me. What can I assist you with?”

Lady: “Oh, good! I’ve been trying to reach you all morning! I just needed to inform you about a problem I had with a few of your employees this morning… They were in my backyard messing with my dogs! For safety reasons I thought this should be brought to your attention. They could get hurt messing around on someone’s private property!”

Me: “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me that when I was there?!”

Lady: “That was you?! I asked to speak to a manager! Let me speak to YOUR supervisor!”

Me: “Well, I am the manager of this unit. Would you like to speak to the district manager?”

(She says yes and I put her on hold for about 10 minutes, smoke a cigarette, and pick back up.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. This is [My Name].”

Lady: “S***! I want to speak to the district manager!”

Me: “Oh! Well, since I manage every store within a 50 mile radius I guess that would be me. My supervisor is actually the owner of the franchise, but he is in Los Angeles for a PETA assembly, so I highly doubt he is going to be interested in your complaint. Now please do not call this number again or I will add harassment to the list of pending charges.”

Lady: *click*

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Getting To The Meat Of The Problem

| Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am a receptionist at a vet clinic. Sometimes I get calls from clients with… less than a full deck of cards.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. This is [My Name] speaking; how can I help you?”

Client: “Yeah, uh, I haven’t ever been there before but my dog has been having diarrhea for, like, two weeks and I’m wondering what I should do.”

Me: “If your dog has had diarrhea for that long it could be an indication of a serious medical condition. Has he been eating and drinking normally, sir?”

Client: “Yeah, he’s drinking and he eats his meat fine.”

Me: “Meat? What kind of dog food are you feeding him?”

Client: “Well, I read online that dogs eat meat so I buy him turkey from the grocery store. He likes it better than the kibble.”

Me: “When did you make this change in his diet?”

Client: “About two weeks ago. Why?”

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