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Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

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His Request Is Dead In The Water

| MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Transportation

(My last customer of the day/week is absolutely irate because company policy prevents us from moving his 55-gallon aquarium, which is full of 20 fish and 50 gallons of water.)

Customer: “Jesus Christ, this is ridiculous. You’re telling me that you’re a professional moving company, and you won’t move an aquarium.”

Me: “Not if it is full. We move aquariums, but they must be completely emptied out prior to move day.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with 20 fish and 50 gallons of water?!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I and my friend moved this thing BY OURSELVES the last time I moved.”

Me: “Sir, when you put a full aquarium on a truck with the rest of your belongings, it is very likely that the water would spill onto your other items and ruin them. It’s also likely that water would cause our men to slip and hurt themselves. We can’t transport liquids of any kinds due to the safety hazard.”

Customer: “It won’t spill because I let 4-5 inches evaporate because I knew I was moving. I could move this thing myself; I just don’t WANT to do it. This is f****** ridiculous. I want to speak to a manager.”

Me: “I’d LOVE for you to speak with my manager.”

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This Situation Has Gone To The Dogs

| NC, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am the district manager for a company that uses guerrilla marketing tactics. I am out with one of my subordinates doing handouts house to house in a rural area. We happen upon an abandoned house and are shocked to see a puppy and an older dog confined with no access to water or food in 90 degree weather. We call the animal control, which is handled by the sheriff’s department. He is filing his report after having watered the dogs and trying to figure out what to do when suddenly a lady comes stomping through an open field from a house two streets over.)

Lady: “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DOGS?!”

Officer: *pissed* “Oh, these are YOUR dogs? Well, then, I guess we were just looking for you.”

Lady: “What can I help you with?”

Officer: “Can you please tell me why your dogs are located at an abandoned residence? They didn’t have any water, and it’s hot out here!”

Lady: “Well, my son brought this puppy home yesterday and all he does is howl. We hadn’t figured out what to do with them yet… Why are y’all in my backyard?”

Officer: “This is not your backyard. This an abandoned residence! You live on a whole different street! Your animals should be kept on your property where you can care for them! You understand I could bring charges against you for your dogs not having any water, right?”

Lady: “I gave them water this morning! How was I supposed to know they were out?” *to me* “If you hadn’t been trespassing this wouldn’t be an issue!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me! You would know they were out of water if they were kept close to your residence!”

Lady: “I’m not allowed to have pets! They shouldn’t have been in my backyard. I want them charged with trespassing!” *to me* “I’ll see you end up in jail for this!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me. You have to deal with me now because I’m coming back in 24 hours. Here is a list of infractions I need corrected so that YOU don’t end up in jail for animal cruelty!”

(The woman continues to rant about how we were trespassing and since we are supposed to be working we head on our way. I return to the office to find that she has been calling waiting for a supervisor to return. I do not bother to return her call; however, I happened to answer when she calls back in.)

Lady: “I’m trying to reach a manager!”

Me: “That would be me. What can I assist you with?”

Lady: “Oh, good! I’ve been trying to reach you all morning! I just needed to inform you about a problem I had with a few of your employees this morning… They were in my backyard messing with my dogs! For safety reasons I thought this should be brought to your attention. They could get hurt messing around on someone’s private property!”

Me: “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me that when I was there?!”

Lady: “That was you?! I asked to speak to a manager! Let me speak to YOUR supervisor!”

Me: “Well, I am the manager of this unit. Would you like to speak to the district manager?”

(She says yes and I put her on hold for about 10 minutes, smoke a cigarette, and pick back up.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. This is [My Name].”

Lady: “S***! I want to speak to the district manager!”

Me: “Oh! Well, since I manage every store within a 50 mile radius I guess that would be me. My supervisor is actually the owner of the franchise, but he is in Los Angeles for a PETA assembly, so I highly doubt he is going to be interested in your complaint. Now please do not call this number again or I will add harassment to the list of pending charges.”

Lady: *click*

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Getting To The Meat Of The Problem

| Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am a receptionist at a vet clinic. Sometimes I get calls from clients with… less than a full deck of cards.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. This is [My Name] speaking; how can I help you?”

Client: “Yeah, uh, I haven’t ever been there before but my dog has been having diarrhea for, like, two weeks and I’m wondering what I should do.”

Me: “If your dog has had diarrhea for that long it could be an indication of a serious medical condition. Has he been eating and drinking normally, sir?”

Client: “Yeah, he’s drinking and he eats his meat fine.”

Me: “Meat? What kind of dog food are you feeding him?”

Client: “Well, I read online that dogs eat meat so I buy him turkey from the grocery store. He likes it better than the kibble.”

Me: “When did you make this change in his diet?”

Client: “About two weeks ago. Why?”

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Don’t Have A Cow, Man

| VIC, Australia | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work on a cattle farm in a small town. I am checking fences on the quad bike when a small car drives up the dirt road next to the paddock I’m in. A couple gets out of a small car and walks up to me. This is just a farm; we don’t not handle customers, just send cattle to the marketplace. I have no retail experience and have had a very bad day and it’s almost quitting time.)

Boyfriend: “Hello there. We’re from [City] and we saw those small cows in the fields back there, and we where wondering if we could buy one?”

Me: “Sorry, mate, the calves aren’t for sale.”

Boyfriend: “But my girlfriend really wants one.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, we don’t sell ’em to people and besides, how would you get it back to your house?”

Boyfriend: “We put it in the boot.” *the trunk*

Me: “Wait, what? You put what in the boot?!”

Boyfriend: “The small cow…”

Me: “What the h***, man! You can’t do that!”

(I climb through the fence and make the couple open the boot. Inside is a week-old calf!)

Me: “Jesus, mate, how the f*** did you get it in there?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about! It wasn’t easy at all; my girlfriend got kicked!

Girlfriend: *shows me her arm, bruise already starting to show* “It really hurts; I think we should get the cow for free.”

Me: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE CALF!”

Boyfriend: “That’s not fair! It was so hard to get; we didn’t even have time to close the gate again.”

Me: “You didn’t close the gate…”

Girlfriend: “No. Why?”

Me: *looks back down the road to see half the mob of cattle wandering towards us*

Me: “F***!”

(I grab the calf, which until this point hasn’t felt the need to move much for whatever reason, and place it on the ground. It immediately takes off towards the other cattle, bellowing for its mother.)

Boyfriend: “What the f*** did you that for, you f****** a**-hole! I should kick your a**! We are gonna find your boss and get you fired!”

Me: “Whatever. Just get lost!

(I race to the quad bike, start rounding up cattle, taking them back to the paddock before they get to the main roads. It takes about half an hour. When I get back to the shed the car is out the front and my boss is talking to the couple.)

Boss: “These two just told me the funniest story about you.” *he’s smiling, thinking this has to be a joke*

Me: *still fuming over what happened, begin yelling at the couple*

Boss: “Wait, this isn’t a joke?”

Boyfriend: “No, this isn’t a joke! Your employee is terrible!”

Boss: *takes a moment to process the whole thing, begins to get his angry face on, and I retreat to safe distance* “YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU TWO TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF MY CALVES?! GET THE H*** OFF THIS PROPERTY BEFORE I FIND A DEEP MINE-SHAFT I CAN THROW YOU IN!”

Couple: *shared look of terror on faces, they run to the car and speed off*

Boss: *after calming down* “Beer?”

Me: “God, yes.”

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It’s A Crappy Color Anyway

| CT, USA | Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners

(A woman approaches me in the pets department and asks to see all of our litter boxes. I oblige her.)

Customer: “No, no, these are all pink. I need a BLUE litter box.”

Customer’s Husband: “Honey…”

Customer: “He’s a BOY CAT. He can’t have a PINK litter box!”

Customer’s Husband: “He’s literally going to CRAP in it!”

(They began to argue so I just walked away.)

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