Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!


Pay Him To Keep Quiet As A Mouse

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I’m the customer in this one. I drop a quarter in my kitchen and it rolls under the stove. Shining my flashlight under the stove to find it, I’m mortified to see the body of a mouse, staring glassy-eyed back at me. I call a pest control company and the exterminator arrives the next morning.)

Exterminator: “So, I’ll just check under your stove, get rid of the dead rodent, and I’ll check for signs of any current infestation.”

Me: *as the exterminator looks under the stove* “Thank you. I try to keep things clean, and I worry about my little boy crawling around on the floor when there’s-”

Exterminator: “Sir?”

Me: *surprised at being interrupted* “Yes?”

Exterminator: “Here’s your mouse.”

(He holds up a little cat toy: a cloth mouse, complete with shiny little plastic eyes.)

Me: “How much do I owe you for the trip? And how much extra to never, ever, tell anyone?”


But There’s A Cat(ch)

| Winter Haven, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I’m a receptionist at an animal hospital. Sometimes we house stray dogs and cats for a while until we can find them forever homes, and people come in frequently asking about any strays we may have. I see a man walk in, and by the way he’s grinning to himself in the corner, I can already tell he’s slightly strange.)

Me: “Good morning. How can I help you?”

Man: “Hello. You may not know me, but I’m a professional cat sitter.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “All right. I can honestly say I’ve never heard of that before. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Man: “Well, my b**** of an ex-wife divorced me and took all my cats, so now I only get to see them on the weekends. I was wondering if you had any cats for adoption that I can keep for five days and bring back.”

Me: *it takes me a few seconds to figure out how to answer* “So… you want to adopt one of our cats for five days and bring her back on the weekends?”

Man: *completely serious* “That’s right.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. If you adopt one of our cats, you’d have to keep them.”

Man: “That’s what I thought you’d say. Thanks anyway.”


Being Nice Isn’t In Her ‘Lexi’-con

| FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work at a local veterinarian office as a part time handler and assistant. On one of my days off I bring my own dog in to get her checked. It is fairly crowded, so I take my dog over to an unoccupied corner to wait. A few minutes later a woman comes in literally dragging a young Boxer puppy through the door on a choke chain.)

Woman: *stomps up to the counter* “There’s something wrong with my dog!”

Tech: “I’m sorry to hear that! Can I get your name and some information on your little pup there?”

Woman: *yanks on leash, making the pup yelp* “It won’t listen to me! I’m doing all the d*** commands that your trainer told me to, and it won’t do s***! I’m using your advice, so fix it!”

Tech: “Ma’am, please don’t use that language. Can you tell me your puppy’s name?”

Woman: “Lexi. It won’t even walk right! How the h*** am I supposed to breed this b**** if it can’t learn simple s*** like this?!”

(At this point the poor pup’s eyes are bulging out and she is panting very roughly as the woman waves her arms around and yanks on the lead. I’m not much a fan of people breeding dogs, period, but this woman’s total lack of concern for her pup is setting off all sorts of alarm bells for me. I hang my dog’s leash on one of the provided hooks, give her a ‘stay’ gesture, and quickly go over to help.)

Tech: *looking distressed at the swearing* “Oh! Ma’am, if you need help with dog behavior, this young woman can help you. She’s an off duty handler and one of our best.” *looks to me expectantly* Do you think you can work your magic?”

Me: *gives enraged woman a dead stare* “Not on this b****.”

Woman: “I told you! I don’t need some f****** hippie kid to train my dog! It obviously has something wrong in the head!”

Me: *points to leash* “May I?” *I take the leash without waiting and then plop down on the ground to loosen the chain so that the puppy can breathe* “Hey there lil’ Lexi. Man, that must have been scary. So many new sights and smells and noises! New people and even new, bigger versions of you! I’d be peeing myself, seriously.”

Woman: “What the f*** are you doing?!”

Me: *rubbing the now much more receptive pup on the head* “I’m training her. Now, Lexi, sweetie. I know this big mean b**** has been bad. But I can’t whack her with a newspaper, so let’s set her right, huh? Now, I know that having something around your neck is really scary. But if we don’t do this, then the person with you might get lost and losing your human is punishable by a fine. So do you think you want to try walking with me for a minute?”

(I make a show to the pup of loosening her chain and going into a crouch. Lexi also stands up from her sit and looks at me.)

Me: “All right! Let’s go!”

(I pop up and walk a few steps. Little Lexi stays right next to me and we do a circuit of the waiting room. I give her praise and encourage her to ‘show off to the big guys’ as we go past the other dogs. We come around to my dog, who sniffs the newcomer then goes back to lounging, disinterested. Seeing that they have no issue with each other, I hang the pup’s leash up with my dog’s and go back to the counter.)

Me: “And that is why you ask nicely.”

Woman: “You’re a witch!”

(The woman started screaming profanities at how I ‘hexed’ her dog. The lead vet came out at the commotion and after we explained the situation, she threw the woman out and reported her to the police. When we looked at the security tapes from outside we saw her kick the poor pup when it wouldn’t move from her car, and she was later arrested for animal abuse. My dad’s girlfriend agreed to raise lil’ Lexi and she is now a very happy, sweet dog with no issues on a leash.)


Vegan La Revolution!

| MA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(I’ve worked at several museums relating to the Revolutionary War, so I’m used to people coming in wanting me to affirm their various political agendas about firearms. This threw me for a loop though, as I was cornered in a completely unrelated exhibit about nature and philosophy.)

Patron: “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course.”

Patron: “What exactly is transcendentalism?”

(This is a pretty common question, and I do my best to explain it for him.)

Patron: “Oh, okay… So, like, are YOU a transcendentalist?”

Me: *laughs* “Well, to be honest, a lot of their talk goes over my head. But I guess I’m a bit of a tree-hugger like Henry Thoreau.”

Patron: “Tree-hugger? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Me: *a bit taken aback* “Oh, you know, just that I’m inspired by nature. Not that I chain myself to trees or anything.”

Patron: “Oh good, I thought that meant you were a vegan or something. I’m a hunter.”

Me: “I’m not vegan; that’s fine.”

Patron: “But I make sure to use every part of the animal.”

Me: “That’s good. I respect responsible hunters.”

Patron: “And the gun is good for self defense, of course.”

Me: “Okay.”

Patron: “Because the Revolution is going to happen again, you know.”

Me: “Sorry… I need to go help those people over there now.”


His Request Is Dead In The Water

| MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Transportation

(My last customer of the day/week is absolutely irate because company policy prevents us from moving his 55-gallon aquarium, which is full of 20 fish and 50 gallons of water.)

Customer: “Jesus Christ, this is ridiculous. You’re telling me that you’re a professional moving company, and you won’t move an aquarium.”

Me: “Not if it is full. We move aquariums, but they must be completely emptied out prior to move day.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with 20 fish and 50 gallons of water?!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I and my friend moved this thing BY OURSELVES the last time I moved.”

Me: “Sir, when you put a full aquarium on a truck with the rest of your belongings, it is very likely that the water would spill onto your other items and ruin them. It’s also likely that water would cause our men to slip and hurt themselves. We can’t transport liquids of any kinds due to the safety hazard.”

Customer: “It won’t spill because I let 4-5 inches evaporate because I knew I was moving. I could move this thing myself; I just don’t WANT to do it. This is f****** ridiculous. I want to speak to a manager.”

Me: “I’d LOVE for you to speak with my manager.”

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