Casting The First Stone Cold Glare

(I am visiting two good Jewish friends. They are gay men and engaged. We’re at a coffee shop for breakfast.)

Friend #1: *holding Friend #2’s hand* “Hey [Friend #2], what do you want?”

Friend #2: “[Store Brand Drink], babe.”

Customer #1: *spies them holding hands* “You should be ashamed of acting like that in public! There are children and God-fearing people in here! Couple of sick f**s…”

Friend #1: “We’re not f**s. We’re gay. Last time I checked, we’re not cigarettes or bundles of twigs.”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for being a couple of sinners! You’re going to burn!”

Friend #2: “So what are you drinking, [My Name]?”

Me: “[Store Brand Drink], please!”

Friend #2: *to Customer #1* “What about you, mister? What are you drinking?”

Customer #1: *splutters* “I am not accepting charity from some dirty, sick homosexual!”

Friend #1: “If your Jesus was brave enough to dine with prostitutes, the least you could do is accept our ‘charity.'”

Customer #1: “F*** you!”

Friend #1 & #2: *deadpan* “No, thanks. You’re not my type.”

Customer #1: *screams* “This whole place is going to Hell!” *storms out*

Customer #2: *starts clapping* “That… was… AWESOME! Please, let me pay for your order!”

Me: “Nah, thanks. I’ll get it for them.”

Manager: “No, you won’t. This order is on the house!”