Cart Jitsu In Action

I’m in the parking lot, loading groceries into my trunk. I hear a scream. A woman in front of the store is holding her phone up, texting. A guy on a bike rides past, snatches it right out of her hand, and keeps pedaling like crazy.

She yells after him.

Customer: “HEY! HEY! HE STOLE MY PHONE!”

I freeze, too far away to really do anything but witness the act. The biker passes an employee who’s bringing carts.

The biker passes him.

The employee kicks his foot out at the bike as it passes him, pushing the front wheel sideways. The thief goes flying over the handlebars like a rag doll, hits the pavement, and skids to a stop.

His bike cartwheels behind him and lands in a twisted heap. 

The woman gasps. I’m standing there, engrossed.

The employee walks over, picks up her phone, checks it, and then calmly hands it back to her.

Thief: “WHAT THE— WHAT THE H***, MAN?! I’M INJURED! I’M GONNA SUE YOU!”

Employee: “How injured? Enough for me to call 911?”

Thief: “YEAH!”

Employee: “Oh, perfect. I’ll ask for the ambulance at the same time as I ask for the police. Save me a phone call.”

The thief realizes exactly how badly he has screwed up.

Thief: “F*** YOU! F*** THIS!”

He scrambles to his feet, limps for a second, then sprints away, leaving behind his crooked, bent, very sad-looking bicycle.

The employee just shrugs, grabs his line of shopping carts, and keeps working like it’s the most normal thing in the world. I go up to the guy after and ask if he’s really calling the police and if he needs a witness.

Employee: “Nah. The police will just file it and do nothing.”

Me: “Okay, I suppose. Still, are you okay?”

Employee: *Shrugs.* “That was nothing. The customers inside… they’re much worse.”