Can’t Hear You, You’re Cutting Up

(My sister is talking to me on the phone while driving to class after work in the morning. We’re discussing how to do Thanksgiving with our parents. Note that we’re both using hands-free devices.)

Sister: “Nice signal, you stupid mother-f***er! Why don’t you learn to drive, you a**?” *to me* “So, I was thinking I could pick up a small-ish turkey on my way home on Wednesday night.”

Me: “You don’t work Wednesdays, do you?”

Sister: “No, that’s my social — DON’T CUT ME OFF AND THEN GO TWENTY MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT, YOU STUPID — night of the week, so I’m thinking that since Mom usually puts the turkey in a brine bath the night before.”

Me: “That’s a really good idea.”

Sister: “Yeah, and — BLINKER, MOTHER-F***ER! YOU’RE GONNA HURT SOMEBODY! — my thought is that by Wednesday night, all that’ll be left are the smallish ones anyway, so it should work out. And I can pick up whatever else we — GREEN MEANS GO! — need today on my way home from class before I go to bed.”

Me: “…Where are you?”

Sister: “Near the college, why?”

Me: “Do people over there just not know how to drive or something?”

Sister: “I’ve seen this guy before. He talks on his phone without hands-free and cuts people off, and then no matter what happens, he glares at you like it’s your fault.”

Me: “Wow. I wonder what’s going to happen to him.”

(Suddenly, I hear a distant crashing sound over the phone.)

Me: “Are you okay?!”

Sister: *laughing* “You have the creepiest timing ever…”

(It turned out the guy she had been yelling at ran a stop sign and got T-boned by another car. He was okay, but his car sure wasn’t! Maybe now he’ll learn to drive!)

This story is part of the People Who Should Get Off Their Phones roundup!

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