Can’t Digest What You’re Saying

(I’m taking anatomy and physiology in college where we don’t get a choice of who our lab partners are. I question how my partner got into college on a regular basis.)

Partner: “Hello, [My Name]. On Friday, are we really starting to digest the cat?”

Me: “Dissect, and yes.”

Partner: “I don’t want to digest a cat.”

Me: “I’ve got great news, then! We aren’t digesting it, only dissecting it.”

Partner: “Oh, why do they make us digest cats?”

Me: “They don’t make us digest cats; we are taking a class in which we are required to dissect them.”

Partner: “How many cats are we digesting in class?”

Me: “We aren’t digesting any cats; we will be dissecting one at our table.”

Partner: “Have you digested cats before?”

Me: “Nope, but I watched my seventh-grade teacher dissect one in class.”

Partner: “How can you digest cats?”

Me: “I imagine the same way you digest anything?”

Partner: “When do we digest the sheep’s brain?”

Me: “We don’t digest that, either; we will dissect it in December, though.”

Partner: “Is it hard to digest cats and brains?”

Me: “I’ve never digested them, so I wouldn’t know. You’d have to ask someone with experience in that.”

Partner: “Can you just do the digesting and I’ll watch?”

Me: “No, thanks, I won’t be digesting it.”

Partner: “But if you don’t digest it with me, we fail.”

Me: “The instructor will not fail you if you don’t digest the cat; however, if you don’t do the dissection you may fail as it’s a large portion of our grade.”

Partner: “This school is horrible; failing people for not digesting cats.”

Me: “I am pretty positive that it has not failed a single student for not digesting a cat.”

Partner: “I don’t want to digest it.”

Me: “You don’t have to. Just dissect it.”

Partner: “You’re gross. I don’t want to do it.”

Me: “It’s your grade, not mine.”

Partner: “I want to report the school for forcing students to digest cats.”

Me: “Can you do me a favor and look up the definition of digesting first?”

Partner: “I know what digesting is and they’re forcing us to digest cats and sheep brains. I don’t go to school to digest these things.”

Me: “I’m going to sleep. Enjoy your cat digestion reports.”