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Cancelling Themselves Out

| Working | May 20, 2014

(I ring up to cancel my ISP. The bills have grown year on year and the quality has decreased at the same rate.)

Me: “Yes, I would like to cancel my service.”

Cancellation Department: “What if I offered you half-price sports channels for six months?”

Me: “Not interested. I want to cancel my service.”

Cancellation Department: “I see you have the high definition service. I could give that to you for free for a year.”

Me: “No, sorry. I want to cancel my service.”

Cancellation Department: “Won’t your family miss all the great channels and entertainment?”

Me: “No. Please cancel my service.”

Cancellation Department: “Can I ask why you are cancelling? Maybe there is something I can do?”

Me: “Okay, seeing as you asked: no value for money, poor choice of programs, slow service, slow installation, inferior router, constant junk mail despite being asked not to get any, and poor customer service.”

Cancellation Department: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry to hear that. But I’m afraid that I’m having some problems opening your account. Can I call you back tomorrow?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, of course. Please call me on [number] between 12 and 2 or after 5 pm.”

(Of course I never received the phone call, and when I called back, no comments were made on my account. I had to go through the whole script two more times before being transferred and my call being dropped.)

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