Bye-Bi Mom!

(I have recently moved home with my parents, as houses and apartments are super expensive where I live, and my parents have multiple empty rooms. I did live at a college dorm, but after I graduated that was no longer an option. My girlfriend of a year and a few weeks comes over to help me move in.)

Mom: “Who’s your friend?”

Girlfriend: “Actually we’ve met, ma’am.”

Mom: “Really?”

Girlfriend: “Yes? At [My Name]’s birthday.”

Me: “Mom, her name is [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “Oh, sorry, I forgot. Anyway, are you a friend from college?”

(My girlfriend and I share a look.)

Me: “Kind of. She’s actually my girlfriend.”

(My mom apparently has no idea I’m bi, even though I told her years ago. At the time, she just got angry and told me it was a phase.)

Mom: “What?!”

Girlfriend: “Is that a problem?”

Mom: “Yes! My only daughter can’t be gay!”

Me: “Yes, I can, because I am!”

Mom: “Get out!”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Mom: “Both of you, out. And get all of your junk out of that room, too. You can’t stay here. What if [My Brother] gets gay, too?”

Girlfriend: *snorts*

Mom: “What’s so funny?”

Girlfriend: “He’s married! To a girl! He’s not going to just turn gay!”

Mom: “Of course not, because you’re both leaving!”

Girlfriend: “All right.” *to me* “Let’s go. You can stay with my roommate and me.”

Mom: “No! Who knows what sort of stupid s*** you’re going to talk her into?! She stays here!”

Me: “But you just told me to leave.”

Mom: “You’re messing with my brain and making me say stuff! Only the [slur] has to go.”

Me: *pauses to think and stare at Mom* “I think I will move in with [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “GOOD RIDDANCE!”