Bread Dead Redemption

I’m with some friends in a coffee shop I work in after closing. They’re waiting for me to clean up before we all leave together. A lot of our pastries and bread products that are unsold are there for the taking, so I offer some around. One of our friends is a vegan.

Vegan Friend: “Oh, no thanks. I’ve stopped eating bread.”

Me: “Oh, why?”

Vegan Friend: “It’s got yeast in it, and yeast is a living organism. I don’t eat things that are alive.”

Other Friend: “Uh, yeast is a fungus, like mushrooms.”

Vegan Friend: “It’s alive, that’s all that matters. I don’t eat anything considered alive!”

Other Friend: “So, you don’t swallow your saliva then?”

Vegan Friend: “What?”

Other Friend: “Your saliva contains millions of microorganisms, all of them alive. Every time you swallow saliva, you’re consuming millions of living things.”

Vegan Friend: “Well… that’s… that’s different.”

Me: “I feel sorry for all your intestinal bacteria. You’ve enslaved them!”

Vegan Friend: “You guys think you’re being funny but you’re not.”

Other Friend: *To me.* “[My Name], when you bake the bread, can you hear the yeast screaming?”

Me: “I used to, but now I just play the music louder to drown them out.”

Other Friend: “Those poor yeasts.”

We laughed and moved on to a different topic. As I finished cleaning up and we’re heading out to the bar:

Vegan Friend: “Finally! I could murder a beer.” *Pause.* “Why are you all looking at me like that?”