Brass Knuckles May Be Fake But Those Brass Balls Are Real

, , , | Friendly | August 22, 2017

(My friends and I are on our way back from a night out. There’s three of us, and we’ve all had a few drinks, although we’re not drunk. However, a random guy decides it’s the perfect opportunity to mug us, right as I’m changing from heels into my normal shoes, so he probably only notices my friend’s boyfriend. Please note that the man has a pocket knife.)

Man: “Money and phone, a**h***.”

(I straighten up, look the guy dead in the eye and push my handbag into my friend’s arms. Among my friends I’m quite famous for having a death glare, but apparently I have cranked it up to new heights.)

Me: “You’d better leave right now or I’ll make sure you’ll get acquainted to your own a**h***. Spines are surprisingly flexible when you break them several times.”

(While saying that, in the most icy and calm voice I have ever achieved, I nonchalantly put on some fake, but real-looking brass knuckles that are still in my coat from a play I took part in. For about three seconds, the dude and I just stare at each other, then I shrug, smile, and take a step forward to raise my fist. And he RUNS faster than I’ve ever seen anyone run. My friends just stare at me for a moment.)

Friend: “S***. I knew you were psycho, but not that psycho.”

Boyfriend: “How the f*** did you think it was a good idea to attack a dude with a knife with only brass knuckles?! Do you know martial arts or something?”

Me: “Nope. And those are fake.”

(A few minutes later, I started shaking and the shock kicked in, and I’m pretty sure I actually got hysterical. But my friends still talk about how cool it was when I made a mugger dash. And I actually took up Jiu Jitsu after that. I definitely wouldn’t recommend doing stupid s*** like that to everyone. Had he been a little more courageous, he probably would have stabbed me.)

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