Boldly Going Where No Class Has Gone Before!

| | Learning | September 12, 2016

To celebrate the 50th anniversary of Star Trek, we’ve rounded up our best Trek themed Not Always Learning stories. May the Great Bird of Graduation always fly in your galaxy!

But It Does Have A Heisenberg Compensator

(I am in college, studying computing. A friend one year below me is trying to cheat on his computer hardware assignment.)

Friend: “You did this assignment last year, right? Can you send me what you wrote for your description of a CPU?”

Me: “Uh… Sure.”

Friend: “Great! That would be really helpful.”

(I check my computer to find a file I’d written months ago just to entertain myself in a moment of boredom. The file was half a page of Star Trek techno-babble nonsense. I prefix the nonsense text with ‘A CPU can be described as…’ and send him the ‘CPU description.’)

Friend: *glances at text* “Thanks! That’s an awesome description!”

Me: “No problem.”

Friend: *looking proud* “Hey, [Teacher], can you check out my CPU description to see if it’s okay for the assignment?”

Teacher: “Okay.”

(About 30 seconds of silence pass as the teacher reads the ‘CPU description.’)

Teacher: *slowly mumbling* “I don’t think the CPU has a quantum singularity warp core.”

(The friend didn’t try cheating from me again!)


A Fascinating Debate

(In my US History class. We watch many videos on YouTube that sum up events in history.)

Video: “In other words, he was saying that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.”

Classmate: “Ugh. I hate that Star Trek crap.”

Me: “What are you talking about? Star Trek is amazing!”

Classmate: “It’s so boring.”

(My teacher, who has been watching us with a smile, finally speaks up.)

Teacher: “I find that highly illogical.”


Illogical Jedi

(I am teaching, and our assistant principal has decided to do a contest to encourage us to keep attendance up towards the end of the school year. She makes it a Star Wars theme. I like the idea, and begin wearing a button every day with a picture of Yoda on it. Then the AP begins to post signs around the school with pictures of Darth Vader that reads “May the Force be With You”, and pictures of Yoda that reads “There is no try, there is only do.” As a geek, I was a little bit more than slightly annoyed. When the third very wrong sign came out – “Don’t join the Dark Side, Skywalker” – I approached the assistant principal.)

Me: “Would you like some help with your signs?”

Assistant Principal: “No, I’ve pretty much got it. I google a picture, and then put a quote.”

Me: “I know it’s silly, but you’re not putting quotes. Not really. I’m a geek, and I’m a bit weird about this sort of thing. Sorry.”

Assistant Principal: “I’m a geek, too. You have to know because I wanted to do a Star Wars contest.”

Me: “Yes. I did think that was pretty neat, but Yoda said, ‘Do or Do Not. There is no try.’ And it would make more sense if Obi wan said ‘May the force be with you.’”

Assistant Principal: “Who? Now you’re making stuff up.”

Me: “Obi wan Kenobi? The Jedi who started training Luke Skywalker?”

Assistant Principal: “The old guy? In the first movie?”

Me: “Um, sure yes. The first one they made. They called him Old Ben on Tatooine.”

Assistant Principal: “Yeah, I know. See, I’m a geek, too.”

Me: “Sure. But I’m still willing to help you with your posters.”

Assistant Principal: “Look, I’m a geek, too. And nobody else watches the movies, so you can deal with it.”

Me: “Are you misquoting on purpose for the contest? Because I don’t have a problem with that.”

Assistant Principal: “No, I’m not misquoting. I’m just a bigger geek than you.”

Me: “I— you know what, I’m going to go back to my classroom and clean something.”

(Nobody has been taking the contest seriously anyway, so I take my button home and decide not to wear Star Wars clothing for the rest of the contest – in order to avoid conflict. The next day is a casual day, so I show up in a Star Trek Original Season Science Department uniform. The students are used to me showing up in geeky clothing and are not phased. The AP meets me as I sign in.)

Assistant Principal: “You can’t fool me. That’s not even the right movie. Why did you come dressed up from the wrong movie?”

Me: “Nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.”

Assistant Principal: “…okay, so you’re here. But which movie are you supposed to be from?”


All Bad Things

(For as long as I can remember I’ve been a Trekkie. I am in high school when ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ is in its final season. The day after the final episode, I’m approached by the school bully. I brace myself for his usual barrage of insults.)

Bully: “Hey, it’s the big fat Trekkie. Let me guess, you watched the final episode last night.”

Me: “Of course I did.”

Bully: “And because you’re such a HUGE Trekkie, I’m guessing you taped it so you can watch it over and over again.”

Me: “Yeah. So?”

(He looks around to make sure none of his clique are within earshot, and then leans in close.)

Bully: “Dude. I missed it. Can I borrow it?”

Me: “What?”

Bully: “Yeah, man. I love that show but I was doing other stuff last night. So, please, help a Trekkie out. Can I borrow it?”

Me: “After everything you’ve done to me? No way!”

(Sadness washes over his face as regains his bully composure.)

Bully: “Whatever, man. Star Trek’s stupid anyway.”

(I swear I heard him sniffle a little bit as he walked away.)


This Subject Is Alien To Me

(My friend doesn’t watch any science fiction. I, on the other hand, really like a wide variety, including but not limited to Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica (Original), Farscape, Dr. Who, and Firefly.)

Me: “What’cha doin?”

Friend: “My science homework. I’m comparing my ‘Alien Cards’ to the Periodic Table.”

Me: “Alien Cards?”

Friend: “Yeah, I had to make them. Think you could help me with this?”

Me: “I would but… I don’t really know enough about your aliens to compare them to the periodic table.”

Friend: “Okay, well… how much do you know about the periodic table?”

Me: *pause* “Actually, on an overall scale I know way more about aliens than the periodic table.”

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