Beyond The Mountains Of Madness Lie The Plains Of Ignorance

I’m shopping. I’m wearing a black shirt with a dragon breathing lightning on the front. In no way, shape, or form is this like a uniform in the big box store I’m in. I’m browsing through some shirts, which are stationed across the walkway from the registers, and it’s a quiet time; there are no major crowds, and as per usual for big box stores, there are only a couple registers open.

Shrill Woman: “I’m ready to be rung up now!”

None of my business. I figure it’s probably someone who feels they must announce their presence to the world. I smirk to myself, thinking that this person also announces, “I have to go potty now!” before they walk to the public restrooms.

Shrill Woman: “Helloooo! I’m ready to be rung up nowww!”

I’m digging through the display. Do they have this shirt in blue? All I’m seeing is black or white or tan.

Shrill Woman: “Hello! Hello! Excuse me! Hello!”

Oh, they have it in red, but… meh… I walk around to the other side of the display.

I have a cart with me. This is fully visible to the registers. When I go to the other side of the display, I push my cart, with my purse and a few other purchases in it, to the other side of the display.

I hear the dainty sound of a T-Rex in flip flops come stomp-flapping my way.

There’s the blue! Awww, I don’t like the blue in this style AND they don’t have my size. Darn.

Shrill Woman: “HEY!”

This feminine Randy Savage bellow could have blasted the shirts off the top of the display.

Shrill Woman: “I’m trying to get your attention! I’m ready to be rung up now!”

I slowly look up and meet this person’s gaze.

Me: “That’s nice. Go to any open register you like.”

Shrill Woman: “I’ve already unloaded my stuff onto the conveyor belt. I’m not moving. Get your a** over there and ring me up.”

I stare at her. She stares right back. I break the gaze, grab the bottom of my shirt and stare down at my lightning-breathing dragon on my front. I look back up, slowly, slowly, stretch my face into a huge grin, and then laugh in her face.

Me: “Ha! That’s a good one! Have a lovely day, ma’am!”

She looks outraged, but then she stares at me a little more closely.

Shrill Woman: “You don’t work here.”

Not even a question. The dawn has broken over the Plains of Ignorance.

Me: “Obviously.”

I pushed my cart deeper into the jungle of shirt displays and left her behind. When I looked back a short time later, peering through the tangle of clothes racks, all of her things were back in her cart and she had slunk to the end of the line of an open register.