(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face, when a six year old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)
Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”
Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”
Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”
(He shakes his head.)
Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”
(I’m a high ropes instructor and work with kids in the forest. There are “No Smoking” signs posted all over the place, but I see a woman smoking right next to a sign.)
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. There’s no smoking in this area.”
Customer: “Why not?”
Me: “Because it could start a fire.”
Customer: *snottily* “Well, I’ll make sure not to do that.”
Me: “Ma’am, you still can’t smoke in this area. There are children everywhere… the smoke’s not good for them.”
Customer: “Well, they’re my children, so it’s really my decision to make, isn’t it?”
Me: “Actually, as this is our property, it’s our decision. Please take your disgusting habit elsewhere.”
Customer: “Your FACE is disgusting.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, as soon as my face starts causing cancer, you can complain.”
(I am at work and I see two girls from my college I know as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I have a crush on one of them as she is really pretty and seems nice for the most part. I watch as she and her friend approach the register.)
My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”
(I assume they are gossiping about something until I listen a little more to the conversation.)
Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”
My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin.’ The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.’!”
Her Friend: “No!”
My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh, hey, [My Name]! What’s up?”
Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.’”
My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”
(Her friend scowls, but they pay and say goodbye. I watch as they get to the automatic doors. Her friend pretends to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumps in front of her.)
My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)
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(The phone rings at around six-ish.)
Me: “Hello, this is D-…”
(I hear loud crying in the background.)
Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”
Me: “I… er… What?”
Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*
Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”
Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”
Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”
Me: “Open your car.”
Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer. You can’t touch it!”
Me: “Then how do I open it?”
Customer: “That’s your problem.”
Me: “Actually, it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”
Customer: “You have to open it.”
Me: “Watch me not open it.”
Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”
Me: “So, if I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”
