A collection of all-time greatest hits!
(I was sitting at a bar and overheard the bartender talking to another coworker.)
Bartender: “Man, I’m starving. I need to go feed my feces!”
Coworker: “Your feces?”
Bartender: “Yeah, my feces!” *points to stomach*
Coworker: “You mean fetus?”
Bartender: *looks confused*
Coworker: “Fetus is your baby. Feces is your s***.”
Bartender: *completely confused*
(A man approaches me while I’m at my register.)
Customer: “Excuse me; I have a question.”
Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
Customer: “What does ‘boof’ mean?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “‘Boof.’ You guys have a bumper sticker that says ‘boof.'”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have no idea what ‘boof’ means.”
Customer: “The sticker is just dumb. It says, ‘My dog is my ‘boof.'”
Me: “Oh! ‘My dog is my BFF!'”
Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”
Me: “It’s an abbreviation, sir. It means ‘best friends forever.'”
Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. How stupid do you have to be to have a dog as your best friend?!”
Did you find this story in our Best Friends Roundup?
(I have just finished making a coffee order and I call out the number the customer was given. No one comes to pick up the order, so I call the number two or three times before the customer finally comes up to the counter to pick up her order. After a few seconds, she returns.)
Customer: “This coffee is cold!”
Me: “It’s been sitting here for a few minutes. I called it out a couple times but no one came to pick it up.”
Customer: “Well, this is cold! Perhaps you should only have competent people make coffees!”
This story is part of the Even-More-Customers-Are-To-Blame roundup!
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Customer: “Hi, I’m calling to see if you have cholera pills in stock.”
Me: “I beg your pardon? Cholera is a contagious disease.”
Customer: “No, it’s not! I’m looking for cholera pills!”
Me: “Um, do you mean the natural supplement Chlorella?”
Customer: “That’s what I said! Cholera! It’s spelled C-H-L-O-R-E-L-L-A. Cholera. I am looking for a large bottle if you have it.”
Me: *gives up* “Yeah, sure. We happen to have a few bottles of cholera in stock.”
Customer: “I’ll be there in five minutes!”
This story is part of the Customers-Who-Can’t-Hear-Themselves roundup!
(I receive a call from a customer who lives in the continental United States.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [shipping company]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “I’m trying to make a ground shipment and the website won’t let me!”
(This company disables ground shipping if your account is late. I check the customer’s account and it is current.)
Me: “When did this start?”
Customer: “Do you think it could have anything with the shipment going to Hawaii?”
Me: “That’s probably it…”
