(I am a waiter in a sushi bar in Iowa.)

Customer: “Do you guys catch your own fish?”

(This customer has a problem with his remote control. I help him reprogram it and everything is working just fine now.)

Me: “Well, sir, it looks like we got everything working. If you ever have a problem with your remote control, we do have instructions on how to program them on our website.”

Customer: “Thank you. I am a little worried about breaking this thing though.”

Me: “Don’t worry, through normal use, you shouldn’t have a problem.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: *jokingly* “Just don’t hit the self-destruct button and you’ll be fine.”

(There is a long moment of silence.)

Customer: “Um, I can’t find the self-destruct button.”

(I’m an Network Admin and a few of my coworkers are less than computer-savvy.)

Coworker: “Hey [My Name], could you come here and look at my computer?”

Me: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Coworker: “The browser is going real slowly… I think I ran out of internet.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I think I’ve run out of internet.”

Me: “Okay, let me go back to the server room for a moment.”

(I renew his IP address. Sure enough, the computer works fine again.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey! It works!”

Me: “Yeah, I rerouted a little more internet to your computer. Just be a little more careful using this ’cause we don’t get more until next month.”

Coworker: “Okay, thanks!”

Caller: “I spilled coffee on my phone. I need warranty replacement.”

Me: “Sorry, but the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

Caller: “It wasn’t liquid damage. It was coffee damage!”

This story is part of the Customers-Not-Quite-Getting-It roundup!

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(A customer walking by pauses at the holiday clearance display, where I am standing.)

Customer: “Is this a musical instrument?”

Me: “No, that’s a menorah.”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A menorah. The candleholder used in the celebration of Hanukkah.”

Customer: “Do you know how to play it?”