Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”

Nice Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

Angry Customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!”

Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive. I’m just checking our other loc–”

Angry Customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”

(At this point, the angry customer moved toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, stepped in. Mr. UFC grabbed the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and dragged him outside, followed quickly by management. The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)

(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

Man: “But–”

Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

Man: “I–”

Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

Man: “But I–”

Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

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(I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by a male customer while I read a book.)

Male Customer: “Hello, my name is [Name].”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Male Customer: “So can I have your number?”

Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

Male Customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

Male Customer: “That’s bull-s***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

Male Customer: “You’re lying to me; that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

Male Customer: *to a waitress* “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

Male Customer: “Just do something about it!”

Waitress: *to me* “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

Male Customer: *looks horrified*

Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

Waitress:*to male customer* “See? She’s a lesbian.”

Male Customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

Male Customer: *storms out cursing*

(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

This story is part of the misunderstood-lesbians-themed roundup!

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(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face when a six-year-old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)

Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”

Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”

Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”

(He shakes his head.)

Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”

Me: “Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve been saving them. Here you go!”

(He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.)

Me: “Sir, your coupon is expired.”

Customer: “WHAT?! What do you mean it’s expired? You f***ing b****, you’re just trying to steal my f***ing money! You’re trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!”

(The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.)

Manager: “Sir, I need you to come with me.”

(My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauling a very disheveled customer by the shirt.)

Customer: “Your manager told me that I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry for yelling.”

Manager: “Now, apologize for cursing at her.”

Customer: “I’m sorry for cursing at you.”

Manager: “Now, what’s our policy on expired coupons?”

Customer: “You don’t accept them.”

Manager: *to me* “Is he forgiven, or would you like to have him arrested?”

Me: “No, it’s okay. ”

Manager: *to customer* “Now get out, and don’t come back.” *throws customer out*

This story is part of the Awesome Manager roundup!

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