Best Of The Decade! 2014

| Right | December 18, 2019

Dear readers,

Welcome back to our walk through the last decade of Not Always Right! We had some fun with 2013 yesterday, today we tackle 2014, the year that we landed on a comet, Americans could visit Cuba, and Disney tried to make us all “Let it go.”

It was also the year we published the following highest-voted stories of the year. Enjoy!

 

10. Just Telling It Like It Is

Liquor Store | USA

(Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

Customer: “Regarding [Liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

(I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company helpline. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

(The customer begins walking out the door.)

Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

(He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

Old Lady: “Who was that?”

Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

9. In Threat Of A Disconnect

Call Center | USA

(I work at a large local cable and telephone company. My department deals with clients that haven’t paid their bills and had their service suspended. I have dealt with a lot of abuse everyday for the last two years. This has taken its toll and I’m now in my final week of my month’s notice. A particularly vile client has come through. We have suspended his cable service on the day of a big football match.)

Me: “Good afternoon. You’re through to [Cable Company]. My name is [First Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen, b****. You need to turn my cable back on right now! I’ve got f****** friends coming over to watch the match!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It looks like your service has been suspended as you have two months charges currently outstanding. We will be unable to reconnect your service without the account being settled in full. However, if you would like me to take a card payment now, I can get you reconnected in about 10 minutes.”

Customer: “Listen, you’ll get your money when I’m good and ready. I’m sick of your company. I swear I’m going to rip your f****** equipment out of the wall and throw it in the garden if you don’t switch it back on NOW!”

Me: “I wouldn’t advise that, sir. The box is leased, so any damage would be added to your bill. So, did you wish to make a card payment so I can get you reconnected?”

Customer: “LISTEN, YOU S***!”

Me: “Can you please refrain from using bad language? You have not paid your bill for two months and would have received a notice and a final notice to warn you of this. If you are unwilling to pay the bill today there is nothing further I can do for you. Once you pay at [Locations] or over the phone I can get you reconnected.”

Customer: “YOU F****** B****! YOU CONNECT MY TV RIGHT NOW OR I’M COMING DOWN THERE WITH A KNIFE AND A BASEBALL BAT AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! CONNECT IT NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU!”

(Although death threats are quite common, for some reason, maybe because I’m working my notice, I find this one extremely funny and begin to laugh.)

Customer: “WHAT ARE YOU F****** LAUGHING AT?! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Me: “The reason I’m laughing, sir, is that you have threatened to kill me despite me having your full name and address on screen. I could report you to the police but to be honest I think that would be a waste of their time. So, did you want me to process a payment or not?”

Customer: “I’M COMING DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE NOW WITH A BASEBALL BAT!”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure how you’re going to as you live in [Town about an hour and half drive] and I’m due to finish my shift in half an hour at an office where over 500 people are employed. You only have my first name and no idea what I look like, so I wish you well. Also, while you’ve been on the phone I’ve noticed your phone bill is also overdue and will make sure this service is also suspended so you do not incur any further fees to increase your outstanding balance. Now, if there is nothing further I can do for you I’ll have to say goodbye as I’m going home to watch the football match this afternoon.”

Customer: *unintelligible screams*

Me: *as brightly as possible* “In that case, thank you for your call. Goodbye.” *click*

 

8. A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle

Restaurant | USA

(It’s Christmas Eve. I’m waiting tables with one other waitress for the night at a diner. This waitress is a sweetheart, but has had a terrible year. She was evicted from her apartment shortly after her boyfriend died, leaving her a homeless single mother, crashing on couches, trying to finish her last year of nursing school. A man who comes in regularly asks to be placed at one of her tables. He orders a single cup of coffee, and asks for the check.)

Customer: “Miss, I have my money to pay.”

Waitress: “All right. So, that’s $1.10.”

(The customer takes her hand in his, places a wad of money in it, and closes it.)

Customer: “Merry Christmas. Keep the change.”

(He left without saying another word. She opened her hand and burst into uncontrollable tears when she found $500.00 with a note that said ‘For Mama and Baby.’)

 

7. Got Him Out Of A Pickle

Restaurant | USA

(It is nearing the end of my shift and I am busy with cleaning the lobby since I have no customers. A girl’s volleyball team from one of the local schools enters and I wait on them. When they sit at their tables, they begin getting quite loud and obnoxious, deliberately spilling their meals everywhere, and some even throwing pickles at the window and seeing if they could really race them as they slid down, like in the movie ‘Billy Madison.’ While they are getting ready to leave, I am getting the mop bucket and such ready to clean up the mess straight away. The coach of the volleyball team stops me.)

Coach: “Give me those.”

Me: “Oh, no, sir. It’s quite all right. This is just part of my job.”

Coach: “I understand that, but my girls were very irresponsible tonight. I need to teach them this kind of behavior is not acceptable.”

(In a surprised daze, I give all my cleaning supplies over to the man and he gathers up all the girls.)

Coach: *to his team* “You think this kind of behavior is funny? That you can just come in here, make complete fools of yourself, trash the place up, and just leave? I expected better from all of you. I hope you all have as much fun doing this young man’s job for him as you had making this mess.”

(The coach forced his entire team to clean up the mess, from sweeping to mopping to cleaning off the windows, until the entire lobby was clean. The entire time he watched with a look of disappointment. I applauded the man for taking amazing action with teaching a lesson above and beyond a spot.)

 

6. The Uniform Response

Restaurant | USA

(I’m in a chain restaurant with my family when a group of four soldiers from the base come in. The group is very loud and rowdy, but no one wants to say anything because they’re soldiers. However, as they all order alcoholic drinks for ‘pre-gaming,’ they just get louder and rowdier. Finally, another customer at the table next to theirs has had enough.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you four please quiet down? We’re all trying to enjoy our dinners.”

Soldier #1: “With all due respect, shove it.”

Soldier #2: “We’re willing to go out and die for your freedom and you can’t even let us have dinner?”

Soldier #3: “We’re just trying to celebrate [Soldier #1]’s promotion, lady. Chill.”

Soldier #1: “Show some f****** respect.”

(The customer takes a deep breath, stands up and turns around, revealing a missing arm.)

Customer: “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Major [Customer] and I’ve recently been transferred to the base here after spending a few months in Walter Reed. I lost my arm to an IED in Iraq. I want all of your names. I’ll be talking to your C.O. as soon as I leave here, and I have a feeling you won’t be celebrating that promotion long. Now please keep your voices down so all of these people can enjoy their dinners, and stop being a disgrace to the uniform.”

 

5. Good Customer Service Is Saving The Girl

Fast Food | Canada

(I am working the cash register at a fast-food restaurant when a girl no older than 15 comes up to order.)

Girl #1: “I’ll have a number three with a [Soda], please.”

Me: “Sure. Will that be everything?”

Girl #1: “Umm… no, actually. I think I was followed here. If you see some girls come in and bother me, can you ask them to leave?”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do.”

(The girl takes her food over to the only table where she can be easily seen by all of the front counter staff, and she takes out some homework. Less than five minutes later, three girls come in, go straight to [Girl #1]’s table, and start talking to her. In the 30 seconds it takes to ask my manager for permission to kick the group out, [Girl #1] has started crying.)

Me: *to the group* “You guys are harassing this girl. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Girl #2: “It’s okay. We know her.”

Me: “No, it’s not okay. You can’t be harassing paying customers.”

Girl #2: “We can buy something. We’ll be paying customers, too.”

Me: “Too late. I won’t just stand back and watch while you harass this girl. If you don’t leave right now, security will be called and you’ll be banned from the property.”

(As our restaurant was located in a mall parking lot, being banned from the property also meant being banned from the mall, so they left pretty quickly with no more argument. Since [Girl #1] was still extremely upset, my manager let me give her a free milkshake and sit with her for a bit until she calmed down.)

Me: “So, what was that all about? Do you know those girls?”

Girl #1: “They go to school with me. I live in a group home. Ever since they found out, they’ve been following me around and making fun of me for it. I’ve been looking for a quiet place to do my homework for weeks. I can’t do it at the home; it’s too noisy, and I get no privacy there. And I’ve been to a few different coffee shops, and restaurants, and even the library, but they follow me everywhere, and no one has ever kicked them out, because they’re never loud or disruptive. This is the first place to help me.”

(I let [Girl #1] get back to her homework. After that, she came in a few times a week to do homework. I let the managers and other staff know of her situation, so there was always someone there for [Girl #1] to talk to or someone to threaten the bullies with banishment from the mall if they ever came back, which they didn’t.)

 

4. Went On A Jurassic Lark

Museum | USA

(I work at a geology museum. A woman and her son, who looks about five, walk in. The boy is entranced by the mammoths, dinosaurs, and marine reptile skeletons on display. The mother looks unimpressed, and is on the phone for most of her stay. Since the building is kept at a pleasant temperature, she drops her heavy coat off with me at the front desk. Later, I spot her heading for the exit.)

Me: “I hope you had a good time at our museum. Did you have any questions before you go?”

Mother: “I’m not interested in your stupid dinosaurs.”

(She heads for the elevator, which is around a corner. I assume she has her child waiting there, since I can’t see him in the rest of the museum. Three hours later, I see her son wandering around the displays, looking lost. I rush over to him.)

Me: “Hey, buddy. What are you doing here?”

Son: *in the most heartbroken voice ever* “Have you seen mommy? I fell asleep.”

Me: “I saw her a little while ago, bud. Why don’t you have a seat over here? Do you have your mom’s phone number, or a way to contact her?”

(Fortunately, he has a list of emergency-contact numbers in a tiny wallet. I call the one labeled ‘Mom’ in blue crayon, after giving him some paper and colored pencils.)

Mother: “Who is this?!”

Me: “This is [My Name], from [Museum]. We have—”

Mother: “You d*** well better ship me my coat, you b****! That’s a $500 coat, and I’m already on the other side of the state!”

Me: “You also left your son here, ma’am. And I don’t have a box in his size.”

Mother: *after a brief pause* “You son of a b****! You should have told me I left my kid behind! It’s going to take me five f****** hours to get back there!”

(I decided to end the call, and instead called the police department. The mother stormed in a little over four hours later, long after the museum was supposed to be closed. She had a nice long conversation with child-care services. Her son gave me a hug and thanked me for staying with him. I still have his drawing of a plesiosaur.)

 

3. Counting And Discounting

Retail | Australia

(I’m a cashier at a place that sells small items of furniture, storage containers, and so on. We are having a 10% off sale. My last customer caused a huge amount of trouble due to getting angry and shouting over not understanding the difference between 10% and $10, so I’m feeling frazzled. A mother and her child, probably seven or eight, come up to my register and start unloading their items while they talk.)

Mother: *to the kid* “Now, this container was $19.95, but we bought two, so how much is that?”

Kid: “$39.90!”

Mother: “Well done! But remember, there’s 10% off today. What’s 10% of $39.90?”

Kid: “$3.99, so the real price would be… umm, $35.91?”

Mother: “That’s right! Nicely done! But now here comes the hard one, so look out! I have my membership card!”

(The child’s eyes widen. Membership cards give a further 25% discount.)

Kid: “Okay, okay, umm…”

Mother: “You can do it!”

(By this time, I’ve scanned the items and bagged them. Just as I’m about to say the total, the child beats me to it.)

Kid: “$26.93!”

Mother: “Fantastic job! I think we get to stop at the playground on the way home!”

Kid: “Yes!” *jumps up and down gleefully*

(After my last customer, a fully grown man who couldn’t understand what a percentage was, I’m literally dumbfounded. In the end, I call my manager and we give the mother a further employee discount, which her child also worked out.)

 

2. God Loves Little Girls Who Stand Up For Others

Retail | USA

(I’m a manager at a technology store and a lesbian. There are two men holding hands and giving each other little kisses every now and then, a woman who is trying her hardest not to look at them, and a mother and her five- or six-year-old daughter, all waiting in line. The two men get to the register.)

Man #1: “Hi, we were wondering if you do wedding registry here?”

Me: “No, sorry, we don’t. But my wife and I found when we were doing our wedding registry stuff that if you find a shop that doesn’t do a registry, just write down the SKU numbers so people can come in and—”

Woman: “Come on, none of us have time to be dealing with your little gay pride bulls***! None of you should be getting married anyway. It’s a sin!”

(I start to open my mouth, but the little girl stomps her foot and gives the woman the meanest look I have ever seen.)

Little Girl: “That’s not nice! You say you’re sorry, right now!”

(The woman is taken aback, but is not done with her rant.)

Woman: “I will not apologize to sinners! What they are doing is wrong! God hates people like—”

Little Girl: “No! Girls can like girls and boys can like boys. If God wanted boys and girls only to like each other then he would have made them only like each other! And don’t you know God loves everyone, even boys who like boys?!”

(The woman and the little girl look at each other for a good 10 seconds until the woman drops her items on the floor and storms out. The mother, the gay couple, and I are all speechless. Like a total boss the little girl takes the expensive robotic toy from her mother and walks to the counter.)

Little Girl: “I want this, please!”

Man #2: “My soon-to-be-husband and I would like to pay for that.”

Me: “And wouldn’t you know it, we give 50% discounts to amazing little girls here!”

 

1. Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian

Grocery Store | USA

(I live in the Bible Belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place on an early Sunday morning.)

Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”

Customer #1: *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god-fearing cashier!”

Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your god-d***ed f****ts! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”

(He then throws his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally, he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)

Customer #2: “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less than their best.”

([Customer #1] has heard [Customer #2] and starts yelling.)

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”

([Customer #2] removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. [Customer #1]’s eyes widen in shock.)

Customer #2: “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”

(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)

 

Previous ‘Best Of The Decade’ roundups can be found here!

2013
2012
2011
2010

Check back tomorrow, for our 2015 roundup!

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