Behaving Like Babies In An Adult Store

(I work in an adult store as a second job. We are a higher-class store that deals with more high-end stock and customers. We do work for commission, but we really don’t like to act like salespeople. I am a Pagan, but I generally don’t wear any showy jewelry as a personal preference. My husband bought me a beautiful pentacle pendant for our anniversary and I have been wearing it proudly for several days. The customers are monthly regulars and the wife is notorious for being rude.)

Me: “Welcome back! What brings you in tonight?”

Wife: *looks at me* “We don’t need help. Leave us alone.”

(She turns away from me as the husband nods agreement. We are currently having sales, and corporate demands that we inform the customers.)

Me: “Just so you know, we are having sales ri—“

Wife: *furiously* “We don’t care!”

(I just smile and walk away. We are supposed to stay within ten feet of the customers in case they have any questions. I stay further back as they wander our toy section until a different customer asks where a certain toy is. I walk her over and overhear the couple whispering.)

Wife: “I don’t think it’ll fit.”

Husband: “We can try more cream.”

(I don’t bother to ask if they have any questions and walk back to our checkout. About ten minutes later, they come up and put a bottle of vaginal tightening gel and the BIGGEST realistic dildo on the counter. It is a duplicate of the famous 70s p*rnstar John Holmes, nicknamed “The C**k of Legend.”)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Wife: *sniffs* “Where is the other salesgirl? I want her to ring us up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, she is on lunch. I can get you rung out.”

Wife: “Fine, but don’t talk to us.”

(I am very annoyed at this point, so I ignore her and ask our standard questions as I ring everything up.)

Me: “Now, are you well stocked with lubricant and toy cleaner? This guy requires a lot.”

(At the same time, they both reply.)

Wife: “I SAID DO NOT SPEAK TO US!”

Husband: “She doesn’t need lube; she needs more tightening gel for it.”

(I barely hold back a laugh and I hear the other customer in toys laugh aloud. The wife is bright red and pissed off.)

Wife: “IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU FILTHY HEATHEN! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING ELSE! DON’T TRY TO SELL ME ANYTHING! YOU ALL ACT LIKE WHORES IN HERE, TRYING TO SELL STUFF!”

(I take a step back, actually shocked by what she said. My manager has just come out of the back office in time to hear it. Everyone knows I have never taken rudeness lightly and I am usually the one to deal with mean customers.)

Me: “Ma’am, please watch your mouth. You are calling us all whores when you are the one buying a dildo the size of my forearm and are afraid it won’t be big enough. And yes, I am a heathen. Ohga-bhoga! So, buy your toy, stock up on that tightening gel — since we are not expecting another shipment anytime soon — and go have a freaking orgasm because you need it.”

(She starts sputtering and doesn’t stop the entire time her husband goes back to grab the last of the gel, pays, and starts dragging her out the door. The other customers start laughing and clapping. My manager is laughing, too.)

Manager: “I don’t know whether to write you up or hug you.”

Me: “Buy me a coffee and call it even?”

(She walked away laughing.)