Basic Coffee For A Basic B****

(I am assisting a customer who’s asking about one of our coffee machines. Right from the get-go this woman seems to have a serious bug up her butt about something; however, I do my best to stay professional and cheery.)

Customer: “Is this really all you have? Only six models of [Brand]?”

Me: “For the moment. All of them have been ranked very highly and remain some of our best sellers.”

Customer: “Why is this one such a low price? What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “It’s the most basic model. It doesn’t have any of the fancier settings like a grinder for beans, or attachments like the foaming jet for making cappuccino.”

Customer: “So, it’s junk, then?”

Me: “Not at all. A lot of folk quite like that model. It’s simple and easy to use. It just can’t do anything besides make plain coffee.”

(The woman turns to one of our instant coffee machines, the kind you have to put capsules in, and starts rapidly flicking the handle on the capsule container up and down.)

Customer: “This is probably annoying you like crazy, huh?”

Me: “Uh… not really. If you wish to stress test how durable that machine is at making cup after cup, say for an office setting where it’s going to be in use all day, by all means, go ahead.”

(The customer gives me a sour look.)

Customer: “But you still probably hate your job, right?”

Me: “Not in the least. My coworkers and I get along wonderfully and I enjoy getting to share my own love of gadgets with the customers.”

Customer: “Yeah, right. You’re probably secretly wishing I’d just step outside and get hit by a bus right now so you don’t have to keep dealing with me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise you, that is not at all true.”

Customer: “DON’T F****** LIE TO ME!”

(She actually hits the coffee machine and knocks it over while shouting, causing me to take a step back. This seems to piss her off further as she then storms off to the customer service desk. Not wanting to make the situation worse, I just put the machine back and tidy up the kitchenware section until my manager comes over.)

Manager: “So… uh, we just got a complaint about you. A lady said you were being far too helpful and cheerful for an employee, that she couldn’t believe we hired such blatantly dishonest folk, and said unless we fired you this instant she was never coming back.”

Me: “Yeah… I swear, I didn’t mean to come off that way! She… well I really don’t know what her problem was.”

(My manager looks at where we’re standing and shrugs.)

Manager: “I can only guess she really needed her coffee that badly.”