Bad Grandma

(Working the Main Entrance Lobby desk, our job is to get the full name of the patient before putting a visitor wristband on the visitor and giving directions to the patient’s room. For security reasons we cannot allow anyone to enter the hospital without them giving the patient’s full name or stating where they are heading if they aren’t visiting a patient.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Visitor: “I am visiting someone who just had a baby.”

Me: “Okay, what is the patient’s name so I can see what room they are in?”

Visitor: “His name is [Name].”

Me: “Okay… there is no patient by that name. You said they were in maternity? And that’s the name of the mother?”

Visitor: “No! Clearly that’s a man’s name. That’s the father of the baby!”

Me: “Oh, I see! Well, I need the name of the patient who is admitted, so that is the mother’s name.”

Visitor: “I don’t know her name. You should be able to look it up under his name!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t. We must be given the full name of the person actually admitted to the hospital before giving out any visitors wristbands.”

Visitor: “This is ridiculous! I don’t know the f****** b****’s name. She my son’s wife. I think it’s Brittany or something. Why is my son not listed? It’s his kid, too! Doesn’t he get paternal rights?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t know anything about his rights; however, since this is a hospital the only people we admit are those who need medical care. Unless your son was the one who was in labor and pushed a baby out of his body, I suggest you call your son and ask the name of the woman who just gave birth to your grandchild.”