Baby’s First Intervention

My family was busy packing up for vacation, and my one-year-old is currently being watched by her uncle. She’s crawled to the steps and found we had two of those weekly pill planners with medication for the week on the bottom step, and started playing with it.

Uncle: “Hey [Daughter], no playing with the drugs! You’re too young to be a druggy. At least wait until you’re three first!”

He continues to accuse her of being a ‘little druggy’ for playing with the pill container as he plays with her for a while.

Eventually, [Daughter] is trying to climb up a step but sets her foot on one of the pill containers, causing it to slide out from beneath her and forcing [uncle] to catch her before she falls off the steps.

Uncle: “See [Daughter], the drugs are messing with you so much you can’t even walk straight!”

Son: “She can’t walk at all.”

Uncle: “Wow, those drugs must be even worse than I realized! This is why drugs are bad M’kay?”

After a bit daughter finds the five-dollar bill under the pill planners and starts playing with it as well.

Uncle: “And now you’re stealing money from your family? See what drugs do to you [Daughter]?”

At this point, I came down the steps with something and [Daughter] reached for me, so I picked her up and tossed her into the air a few times, earning myself a few giggles before handing her back to [Uncle]. [daughter] reaches for me and gives a small pouty sound begging for me to continue the game before accepting [Uncle].

Uncle: “Look at her, begging women to help her get high! She needs an intervention!”

Finally, [Daughter] gets sick of playing with things on the bottom step and crawls up the steps and to our room, with [uncle] right behind her, encouraging her climb and making sure she doesn’t fall. Before anyone asks, we have baby gates to make sure she can’t crawl up the steps on her own without an adult’s supervision.

Uncle: “I’m proud to inform you that thanks to my loving support, your daughter has finally left drugs behind her. In fact, she just completed a twelve-step program.”

Me: “There are fourteen steps on the staircase.”

Uncle: “First, why have you memorized that!? And second, that just means she’s got a step up on all those twelve steppers.”

I’m not sure how a man who has no children has mastered the art of dad jokes, but I’m glad to know my daughter is no longer an addict.