Avoiding A Scan(dal)

(I am at the hospital for a scheduled CT scan. While my surgeon has faxed an order for the scan, the hospital will not do one without bloodwork. An order for that has not come through.)

Tech: “You’ll have to reschedule. We cannot contact your doctor for the bloodwork order.”

Me: “I got up early, drank two bottles of white slime before I came for my appointment. We are not rescheduling.”

(They get another doctor to sign a bloodwork order. I finally get down to the CT lab. The nurse comes at me with a needle.)

Me: “Wait. No. Oh, h*** no!”

Nurse: “Don’t like needles? I assure you; we’re very good at what we do.”

Me: “I am quite sure you are. But I’ve been there, done that. If you inject that dye, my kidneys will shut down. Then you will slap my butt in the hospital, and feed me Lasix like they are jellybeans. Then you will pump me full of saline to flush that dye out of my kidneys, and I will pee like a race horse for 24 hours. Not gonna happen today.”

Nurse: “Oh. OH!”

(There is more whispering and consulting.)

Nurse: “The doctor says we can do the scan without the dye.”

Me: “Thank you. I knew you would see it my way.”