Auntie Needs To Chill Out
In early December, my father came down with a mild case of viral pneumonia. He took medication and rested for a week or so and felt better, so we thought that was that. Fast forward to two days before Christmas. My father relapsed, badly, and was admitted to the hospital with bacterial pneumonia and a lung abscess. He spent five days in the hospital and was basically on strict rest orders for most of January. He was released on December 28th, and we got our first major snowstorm on January 4th. We must have gotten about a foot and a half of snow.
That evening, we got a call from my aunt, who lives with my grandmother. My father had the phone on speaker, so I heard the entire conversation.
Aunt: “Hi, [Father].”
Father: “Hi, [Aunt].”
Aunt: “Mom and I want to know when you’re going to come to shovel our driveway.”
Father: “[Aunt], you’re going to have to figure something out. I can’t come shovel your driveway.”
Aunt: “What do you mean, you can’t come shovel our driveway?!
Father: “[Aunt], I got out of the hospital for a lung abscess a week ago. I’m not allowed to do anything physically strenuous for the entire month.”
Aunt: “But our driveway isn’t very big. It only ever seems to take you half an hour or so.”
Father: “[Aunt], I get winded just walking up my staircase. I’m not allowed to even go to work for another two weeks. I can’t shovel your driveway.”
Aunt: “Even with that snowblower I bought a few years ago?”
Father: “That snowblower you bought barely works and makes shoveling harder. So, no, not even with the snowblower.”
Aunt: “But I have somewhere to be tomorrow. Couldn’t you just shovel out where my car is?”
Father: “No. Get one of your friends to do it, because I medically can’t.”
Aunt: “You know that the friend who used to do that stuff for me recently had half his leg amputated and can’t do stuff like that anymore.”
Father: “You understand that your friend can’t because he has a medical condition, so why can’t you understand that I also can’t do it because I also have a medical condition at the moment? Where’s Mom? Let me talk to her.”
Grandmother: “Hello, [Father], how are you feeling?”
Father: “I’m doing okay. Could you please tell my sister that I can’t shovel your driveway because I’m on rest orders?”
Grandmother: *To my aunt* “WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I THOUGHT I F****** TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL YOUR BROTHER, YOU DIPS***! HE JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL! IF YOU WANT THE DRIVEWAY SHOVELED SO BADLY, DO IT YOURSELF!” *Pauses* “NO, NO! NO, I’M NOT ASKING YOUR BROTHER IF HIS SON CAN COME DO IT! NO, I DON’T CARE! DO IT YOURSELF!” *To my father* “I’m sorry, [Father]. Have a good night and feel better. I’ll deal with your idiot sister.”
Father: “Thanks, Mom. Good night.”
My father made a full recovery with no adverse effects from the illness. I was reminded of this story because just this week my aunt called my father in the middle of a snowstorm asking him to run to the market for her because she needed cigarettes. You’ll be happy to know my father refused.
This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!
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