As If She Had Been Raised In The Amazon

| Related | July 22, 2013

(My mother and grandma are visiting my husband and I in our home. My mother is very well known in our family for being extremely technically impaired. She has tried everyone’s patience, since if she can get someone to do it for her, she won’t bother learning to do it herself. We are all in the living room on our respective electronic gadgets, while my grandma is napping on the couch.)

Mom: *sweetly, to my husband* “Oh, can you help me search on this amazon site for a new cover for my iPad?”

(I look up sharply and narrow my eyes suspiciously to see my mother innocently gesturing at her iPad screen to my unsuspecting husband.)

Husband: “Sure thing. Do you have the website up? Is your search not coming up with what you’re looking for?”

(He looks at her screen in confusion.)

Husband: “Did you close the browser window? This shows your home screen.”

Mom: “What do you mean? Where do I go to get the amazon? I really hope I can find a nice red case. Red is my favorite color!”

Husband: “Uh, well here, let’s start a new search.”

(He dutifully brings up amazon on her iPad, and searches for red iPad cases.)

Husband: “There you go. Just find the one you like, and if it has good reviews, go for it.”

(He beams at me while my mother starts cooing at her screen in awe. Noticing my look, he walks over.)

Husband: “What’s up?”

Me: “You know what you’ve gotten yourself into right? I told you how she is.”

Husband: “Don’t worry dear. I do this for my mom all the time, too.”

Me: “Well, dear, did your mother go through six different mp3 players, because they all didn’t come with songs? And did she figure that if she just bought a more expensive one each time, it will automatically have the songs she wants on them?”

Husband: “Wait, wh… what?”

Me: “Exactly.”

(I call to my husband from the other side of the room in a suddenly child-like voice.)

Mom: “This one is pretty. Ooh, this one is so pretty. How do I choose? What is a stylus? Does that mean it’s stylish? Why does this come with a pen? This one says it rotates, what’s that mean—oh no, I lost the amazon! How do I get it back? They’re all so pretty and red. Do it again!”

Husband: *shoots me a panicked look*

Me: *mouthing silently* “Sorry.”

(At this point, my grandma cracks an eye open, and takes in my husband attempting to help my mom with her iPad again.)

Grandma: “Poor sucker.”

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