Your Argument Hasn’t Got A Hairy Leg To Stand On

(I’ve just gotten up for the morning when my mom storms up to me.)

Mom: “Before you do anything, go back upstairs and shave your legs!”

(I look down at myself. Not only do we not have a formal occasion that necessitates me wearing a dress coming up, but I’m wearing long pants that don’t show my legs at all. Aside from that, my leg hair is barely visible on my legs, because it’s so light.)

Me: “Uh, why?”

Mom: “Just do it!”

(She’s standing at the bottom of the stairs and won’t let me pass, so I just relent and go do it, even though I really don’t like to outside of special occasions. After I’m done, I come back down and ask her again why it was so urgent.)

Mom: “Certain family members complained about it.”

Me: *for a second, I just stare at her, until it sinks in that she’s really serious* “Certain family members need to mind their own freaking business. More importantly, who complained?”

Mom: “You don’t need to know!”

(To this day, she still won’t tell me. Thank God, it hasn’t happened again, but now I go out of my way to not shave my legs if I can help it. I can’t wait to move out.)