ArachnoPyroPhobia

(I am in an online relationship with a girl who lives in Leicester. She has arachnophobia, and easily gets freaked out by even the smallest of spiders. We both have a very geeky and cartoony sense of humor. I have shared a cartoon online. In it, a girl is screaming about a spider in the bathroom, so her boyfriend goes in and complains about the tiny spider, not noticing the giant one behind the door.)

Girlfriend: “If that were in my house, I think I’d explode in a shower of p*** and fear.”

Me: “All the more reason to hide a spare flamethrower, my dear! Burning stuff is FUN for all the family!”

Girlfriend: “Knowing my level of clumsiness, it’d end up being me who was on fire.”

Me: “Would you hug a spider if it meant setting it on fire as well? You could go all Pyro mage on it’s a**, and play a bit of flaming volleyball with the creature!”

Girlfriend: “I dunno, being on fire doesn’t look too comfortable XP. I kind of get the impression I’d be too busy screaming in pain.”

Me: “Well at least you distracted from the fear of the giant spider. Plus if you set it on fire as well, it dies! It’s a win-win situation!”

Girlfriend: ” If you let me die while fighting a giant spider, I’ll haunt you for eternity.”

Me: “Does that count if I have a resurrection spell, with popcorn waiting for you upon your return?”

Girlfriend: “Depends, by ‘popcorn’ do you actually mean ‘a basket of kittens’?”

Me: “Close enough.”

Girlfriend: “Deal. I’ll be a flaming fireball of doom in return for kittens and not having to stay dead.”