Apparently, You Don’t Even Get Points For Effort

I met a German woman in the USA, and we married after a year. For complicated reasons not worth expanding on, her ex-husband had two of her four children in Germany while she had the other two in the US. She was deeply depressed over not being able to see them; this was 1997, before video calls, texting, and social media. I made a huge decision to take her and her children back to Germany to be permanently reunited while I learned to integrate as an immigrant.

This exchange happens in a mall. My German at this point is painfully limited, and the waiting list to register for intensive German classes for immigrants is six months. The German I do know is from language books.

I hand over a piece of merchandise.

Me: *In German* “This doesn’t work. Exchange, please.”

The cashier fires off in rapid German.

Me: *In German* “Slower, please.”

She says something else in German.

Me: *In German* “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

She snatches the receipt out of my hand.

Cashier: *In English* “You need to learn German! You’re in Germany, not America!”

She angrily stamps the receipt and then picks up a nearby phone and summons someone over the intercom. A manager (I presume) appears, and they begin discussing something in German. I note the word “Amerikanischer” used more than once, with the manager making an exasperated “UGH!” and the cashier saying, “Ich flip gleich aus!” (Translation: “I’m about to flip out!”)

One of them gives me a small sheet to sign confirming I am turning in the merchandise, and they allow me to exchange it. I walk out of there feeling like I have been handed the “Idiot Foreigner Of The Day” award.

Fast forward a year and some change. I finally have enrolled in and completed my German integration class, and I am even voluntarily paying for an advanced German class for business and work. Put together with the fact that my wife, stepkids, and I are communicating strictly in German, it is safe to say that I have a very decent command of the language.

I’m back now in the same store in the same mall when I approach a saleswoman for help. I immediately recognize her as the woman who ripped my face off for not speaking fluent German before.

Me: *In German* “Hello, do you offer a delivery service? I’d like to buy this desktop system.”

Cashier: *In English* “Yes, we do. But it depends on the price of the item you are buying.”

Me: *In German* “Do you know how much that would be?”

Cashier: “Um… hmm!”

She picks up a phone and pages an employee.

Cashier: *In German, to the employee* “Could you explain to him in English the delivery rates and ask him when he’d like to have it delivered? My English is crap today.”

Me: “…”

It’s one of those situations where you just can’t win.