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An Unstoppable Child Meets An Immovable Table

, , , , , | Related | July 6, 2020

I’m at a Mongolian-grill-style restaurant with my family; I’m about fifteen or sixteen. While we’re eating, a family comes in with three children. The children in question immediately begin to terrorize the entire place by running around, screaming, chasing each other, pounding on the fish tank, throwing chopsticks and napkins, tripping up the staff, etc.

The parents are entirely oblivious, and most of the other patrons are near breaking point. Eventually, I finish my current plate of food and decide to go for a second plate.

My Brain: *To me* “Look out! There to the left, incoming child on a collision course. At the current course and speed the child will impact in about five seconds. He’s at ramming speed, so I recommend evasive action before he hits us!”

Me: *To my brain* “Naw, we’re okay. That kid will probably dodge out of the way. Maintain heading. I’m hungry.”

My Brain: *To me* “Sir, I highly recommend evasive maneuvers; we’re two seconds away from collision and he’s not veering off!”

Me: *To my brain* “Too late; brace for impact!”

The child runs headfirst into my elbow, almost knocking the plate out of my hands. He runs off crying. A few minutes later, I’ve returned to the table with my food. My family overhears this from the other table.

One of the parents is trying to comfort the child, who is incoherently crying.

Parent: “Oh, it’s okay, sweetie. What happened; did you hit a table?  Yeah, you have to be careful in restaurants because the tables are all over the place, okay, kiddo?”

My Sister: “I bet that table is feeling pretty proud of himself, isn’t he?”

I’m still referred to as “the table” in situations that involve rampant children.

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