An Axe To Grind With The Family

(Most of my family has the weird ability to repeat lines from any movie or TV show we’ve ever watched verbatim. My sister’s new boyfriend has just come over for the first time to meet the family, and is being super polite and complimenting everything. My family is not as nice.)

Sister’s boyfriend: “[Sister’s name] is amazing. You’ve really raised a wonderful woman.”

Dad: “WOMAN, WO-MAN, WOOOOAH-MAN!”

Me, mom, and both sisters: “She was a thief!”

Mom: “You’ve gotta believe!”

Younger sister: “She stole my heart and my cat!”

Older sister: “Can I ask you a question? Do you actually like haggis?”

Me: “No, I think it’s repulsive in every way. In fact I think most Scottish food is based on a dare.”

(At this point, everyone at the table except my sister’s boyfriend are laughing hysterically. Just as we begin to calm down, he pipes up.)

Sister’s boyfriend: “Wow, I’ve never heard anyone quote So I Married An Axe Murderer in harmony before. That was pretty cool!”

(When my sister and her boyfriend got married a year later, part of his vows were ‘I promise to love your crazy axe-murdering family’.)