An Affair To Dismember

(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”