Not A Baby, Or Even A Maybe, Part 2

(It is after 11pm, the store has closed, and we are putting back books customers have left out. As I’m putting a book away, I get a sudden, intense pain in my back. Within five minutes, it is the worst pain I’ve ever had, and I can’t stand up anymore. I curl up in the aisle, and radio for help. My coworker comes over.)

Coworker: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I need help. Something’s wrong!”

Coworker: *whispering* “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No. It’s my back. I can’t stand.”

Coworker: “It sounds like you’re pregnant.”

Me: “I’m not! Please, I’m in so much pain. I need someone to put me in a cab to the hospital.”

Coworker: “You know, sometimes girls get sudden pains, and they don’t THINK they’re pregnant, but it turns out they actually are.”

Me: “Go. Get. Help!”

Coworker: *leaves and comes back with the store manager*

Manager: “He says you’re having ‘pregnancy pains?'”

Me: “NO. My back. I need to go to the hospital.”

Manager: “Oh! Okay, I’ll call someone.”

(By law, my store must call an ambulance. While we’re waiting, my manager asks me a bunch of questions about my pain, and tells me he thinks I have a kidney stone, which he’s had himself. The EMTs come in several minutes later.)

EMT: *looks at me* “You’re not pregnant.”

Coworker: “I think she’s in labor!”

Manager: “If you say ‘pregnant’ one more time, I’m firing you!”

Coworker: “But she is!”

(I went to the hospital. Turns out, I did have kidney stones. But when I came back…)

Coworker: “How’s the baby?”