All’s Well That Ends Well In Roswell

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver — AKA Hollywood North — that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set Worker: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

Movie Set Worker: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

Movie Set Worker: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in two-and-a-half hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there. She looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

Movie Set Worker: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

Movie Set Worker: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany.”

Movie Set Worker: “F*** YOU, YOU LITTLE S***. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

(She storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

(She tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director: *to Movie Set Worker* “God d***it, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

Movie Set Worker: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him two hours but it was going to cost them. On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)