Not Much Meat Between His Ears

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2020

(The entrance to our backroom is next to the wall of pre-packaged meats. Immediately next to the wall on the other side is the meat and seafood counter. During the afternoons and evenings, once everyone has clocked in for the day, one of the butchers will often come out to restock the wall and assist customers there while the other butchers assist customers at the counter. During the mornings, however, they mostly prepare the displays at the counter and get things ready for the day. It’s mid-morning and I just clocked in.

I come out of the backroom and see a customer staring at the wall. As I pass him, I greet him, like I’m trained to do.)

Customer: “You. I’ve been waiting for ten minutes for someone to come out and help me! Where are the meat guys?”

(I take three steps to the left and am now in front of the counter. Two of the butchers are back there working. They see me and wave.)

Me: “A customer out here has a question.”

(One of the butchers dropped what he was doing and came out to help. But the guy could clearly see the counter from where he was standing, so why he didn’t take a few steps over to see if anyone was back there is a mystery to me.)

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Stop Being A Pill And Get Back To Class

, , , , , | Learning | March 31, 2020

I teach workshops to the general public. I allow a ten-minute break about halfway through. I use breath mints to keep my mouth moist as I have to talk for about three hours. At break time, I finish the last mint and throw the tin away. One of the participants sees me.

Participant: “Hey, don’t do that; you could use those for pills or something.”

Me: “I didn’t need it, so…”

Participant: “Yeah, but those tins are useful. You can use them for pills.”

Me: “Well, I’m not going to take it out of the trash, but feel free if you want to.”

She looked at me like I’m the one who was crazy. At the end of the workshop, I looked in the trash and the tin was still there. I guess she wasn’t that gung-ho about it, after all.

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Teaching Your Kids How To Burn Effectively

, , , | Right | March 31, 2020

(I am very happy to have had a healthy pair of twins, and I am out in a mall with my aunt and them for a stroll. 

My aunt was never able to have kids of her own and suffered quite a bit from it. So, I simply declared her auntie-grandma, and she is really opening up to it, feeling a bit embarrassed once in a while, but I see it’s from just loving it, even if it’s silly.

We stop at a coffee shop and I treat her for a drink. It’s almost empty and I am the only one who’s come to the counter for quite a while, it seems. 

While my aunt sits at a table with the stroller nearby, I order, and when asked for names, I tell the barista to just call out Mama and Grandma. She smiles and goes off to make the drinks. I go to the seats and check on the little ones as the barista calls out the order.)

Barista: “A [drink] for Mama and a [other drink] for Grandma, ready for pickup!”

(My aunt realises my little surprise and smiles as she gets up to get the drinks. But before she reaches the counter, another woman grabs the Grandma cup. 

My aunt is confused and looks at me. The barista sees what happened and tells the other lady:)

Barista: “Sorry, but that’s not your drink, ma’am!”

Lady: *very smug* “Well, show me whose name is on there to prove it’s theirs.”

Barista: “These two ladies ordered these drinks; please hand the cup over.”

Lady: “Well, you said it’s for Grandma, and my daughter just announced that she is pregnant, so I figured you made me a drink to celebrate.”

Barista: “Well, congratulations, but you can’t just snatch other people’s drinks.”

(While he talks, she pointedly takes a sip, basically making it unreturnable. The barista is just silent, and my aunt is too timid to say anything, but I have had enough.) 

Me: “It does not say, ‘rude coffee-thieving b****,’ on there, so it can’t be yours. I really hope you try to be not such a s***ty example of a human being when your grandkid is born.”

(She just sulked back to her seat and the barista made my aunt a new drink. After all that, I saw in the app that the charges for the drinks on my [Coffee Shop] card had been reversed and two free beverages were added. Although I don’t think that was necessary, as a mom, I appreciate every extra coffee I can get.)

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You Can National Trust There To Be Some Good Stories

, , , , , | Right | March 31, 2020

(I volunteer under the National Trust at a property where visitors to the house are given tokens to give to us at the door as proof of payment. These tokens are about the same size and shape as a 10p coin.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Property]! Do you have your tokens for me today?”

Visitor: “Oh… yes… Hang on, they’re in this pocket… Here.”

(He holds out a token and a 10p coin. I joke with him, as I do every time this happens:)

Me: *laughing* “Ah, is this my tip?!”

(Immediately, the man pulls back his hand in horror and stares at me.)

Visitor: “We have to tip the volunteers? But… I didn’t tip the one at the gate? Was that rude? Should I go back? [Daughter], why don’t you run back and give the man on the gate—”

Me: “No, sir, no, I didn’t– Just the other token, please. It’s just a joke I do; a lot of people mistake change for the tokens.”

Visitor: “Oh, thank God! That really scared me! Don’t scare people like that! Why would you say that? You’ll get complaints!”

(I have done it since and no one else has had a reaction like that… or complained! Other stories I love:)

Tiny Little Girl #1: “Are there any ghosts here?”

Me: “Apparently a couple, but wouldn’t you be scared of them?”

Tiny Little Girl #2: “No! We’re ghost hunting!”

Me: “Ah, well, there are some in the study–“

Tiny Little Girl #2: “WHERE IS THE STUDY?”

Tiny Little Girl #1: “Has anyone died here?”

(Also: a drunk man drains his entire mini bottle of Prosecco in the entrance hall.)

Drunk Man: “Where can I put this?”

(And finally:)

Man: “This place really needs some newer furniture.”

Me: “This house was built in the eighteenth century.”

Man: “Exactly!”

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There’s No Contact But We Can Still Find You

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2020

(I’m a front side service member, meaning I do everything from cleaning to taking orders to checking out customers. This happened a year or so ago, when contactless payments or card “tapping” started to become more commonplace.

A customer comes up to the till.)

Me: “Afternoon, sir! Enjoyed the meal?”

Customer: “I did, actually. Here, my ticket.”

Me: “Thanks. All right, we had [order]. That’s a grand total of [price].”

Customer: “Debit card, please.”

(The customer starts tapping his card to the side of the terminal.)

Me: “Oh, I’m afraid the tapping feature is disabled. Our register system isn’t set up to accept those yet.”

Customer: “What do you mean? This is a contactless card, and the terminal says I can pay contactless.”

Me: “True, it does say that. But all that means is that the terminal could, in theory, assuming the register is set up. Ours isn’t, so you’ll have to insert the card.”

Customer: “No! I can and I will pay contactless!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but that’s not possible at this time. We’ve tried to get it online, but it broke down right after. Just insert your card, please, and we can pay it the old-fashioned way.”

Customer: “No! This is ridiculous! I should be able to pay however I want!”

(The customer left without paying. Since he was a lot bigger than I am, and I had a line of customers to deal with, I didn’t stop him. Instead, I noted down his license plate, checked with the manager if the cameras were running, and sent the bill to his home address… paired with a lovely dine and dash fine.)

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