Thought You Wouldn’t Have A Cat In Hell’s Chance

, , , , , | | Right | June 15, 2019

(A while back I briefly looked at a book on the “New Fiction” wall in a bookstore and decided I didn’t really want to get it. Fast forward a few months. I can’t get that book out of my mind. I go to the bookstore in search of it and have to ask one of the cashiers for help.)

Me: “I have possibly an impossible question.”

Cashier: “All right. Well, shoot, and I’ll see if I can help you out.”

Me: “Okay. A while ago I came in and saw a book, but the thing is I can’t remember what the name was, who it was by, or what it looked like. All I know is that it was on the ‘New Fiction’ wall and it was about a cat.”

Cashier: “Hmm… Yeah, that’s tough. Well, do you know when you saw it? I can search up keywords on the computer, but a date would be more helpful.”

Me: “I feel so bad. I have no idea when I saw it. A few months ago, maybe? Definitely before September last year.”

Cashier: “Um… Okay. Let’s try looking up from January to now and put a few keywords in. Let’s go with cats and fiction… All right, it looks like we’ve got twelve books that came up.”

Me: “Well, that’s a lot less than I had thought would come up.”

Cashier: *after cancelling out ten books that were about cat training and behavior* “How about this one? [Book] is about a cat who used to live with a lady, but one day the lady never returned. Instead, her daughter came and picked her up, along with packing up all her mother’s belongings, and now the cat has to try and fit into her new lifestyle.”

Me: “Wow. Yes, that’s it. You are wonderful. Thank you so much!”

The Only Thing They’re Grabbing Is A Way To Get Kicked Out

, , , , , | | Working | June 15, 2019

(I have recently started working at a restaurant as a waitress. About halfway through my shift one evening, a group of four men are seated in my section. I head over to take their drink orders.)

Me: “Hello there. My name is [My Name] and I’m going to be your waitress tonight. Can I start you all off with something to drink?”

Customer#1: “Well, aren’t you a pretty little thing!”

Customer #2: “Good thing the ol’ wives aren’t here, or we’d be in trouble tonight!”

Me: “…”

(I’m feeling uncomfortable, but I do my job and take their orders. When I return to the table to hand them their drinks, I notice [Customer #2] looking me up and down with a creepy grin. He scoots to the side of the booth and leans over, hand out-stretched, clearly intending to slap me on the butt. I leap to the side as he swings, causing him to miss his target and lose his balance, sending him tumbling to the floor. As he pulls himself off the ground, he begins yelling at me.)

Customer #2: “You little b****, how dare you?! You flaunt yourself around in those f****** tight pants and can’t take the consequences? You’re a f****** teasing b****!” *shoves my shoulders* “Get me your manager! Now, b****!”

(My supervisor runs over to the scene and places a protective arm around me.)

Supervisor: “Sir, you need to calm down.” *turns to me* “Go take your break, I’ll handle this.”

(I run to the back and take my break. My supervisor kicks the men out of the restaurant. When I arrive for my shift the next day, the manager calls me into his office to speak with me.)

Manager: “Now, [My Name], I heard about what happened last night. So, consider this your first warning. If it happens again, you will be written up for it.”

Me: “What? What am I trouble for?”

Manager: “You made some loyal customers very angry and lost us a lot of money. We had to give them a gift card for their trouble.”

Me: “What?! He tried to sexually assault me!”

Manager: “[My Name], don’t turn this into one of those ordeals. You know what really happened.”

Me: *stunned silence*

Manager: “Situations like these are just what comes with being a waitress. The guys can’t help it, so you need to get used to it.”

Me: “I quit.”

(I walked out of his office and right out the door. I’ve never gone back.)

“D***, Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather!”

, , , , , | | Romantic | June 15, 2019

(When my parents are dating, my dad is very shy about trying to “make a move,” so my mom tries to hurry things along. She convinces him to go outside and look at the full moon on a cold night.)

Mom: “My hands are cold.” *moves closer to my dad*

Dad: “Why don’t you put your hands in your pocket?”

(They eventually got it together and have been married for 46 years. So, when I started dating a guy I really liked, one of our early dates was to a football game that was really cold. He had also been shy about “making a move,” so I tried moving closer and saying that I was cold. He got up and went to the concession stand for hot chocolate. We’ve been married for three years.)

Daddy’s Girl

, , , , , | | Right | June 15, 2019

(I am restocking the department after a busy weekend when a very cute little girl taps me on the leg.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Oh, hello.”

Little Girl: “I’ve lost my Daddy.”

Me: “Okay, wait here. What’s your Daddy’s name?”

(She tells me her father’s name and I’m about to contact my colleagues to see if they can locate the father. However, before they do, a woman who is close by the whole time and looks to be the little girl’s mother comes up to us.)

Mum: “What are you doing bothering this man, sweetie? You’re not lost; I was right next to you!”

Little Girl: “Yeah, but I wanted Daddy!”

(I laughed while the mother sighed in exasperation.)

Training Her Mind With Sudokus

, , , | | Related | June 15, 2019

(I am making a day trip with my teenage niece. To keep her busy on the train, I bought a book with sudokus for beginners. Keep in mind that she doesn’t believe in herself and thinks she is bad at maths.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Niece: “Sudoku? Isn’t that difficult?”

Me: “Not really. And these are super easy.”

(I explain how sudokus work and she starts. She completes the grid in no time and with ease as if she is writing a letter. She completes a second and third one in under a minute, sighs, turns the book to the last sudoku and completes that one in record time, as well.)

Niece: “Auntie, this is too easy.”

Me: “So I see. You know what? I’ll buy you a new one for the ride home.”

(True to my word, I bought one that was one level under “expert,” and she happily worked herself through them. Those took a bit more time to be solved. I finished the super easy ones.)

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