That’s One Super Special Senior Special!

, , , , , | Right | September 16, 2019

(I am serving two elderly ladies. There is a senior special available on weekdays, but they are concerned that this is going to be too big a portion for them, so they are asking for recommendations.)

Me: “Well, I recommend the fish goujon starter to come as a main. It comes with a little salad, you could have some chips to share if you wanted, but the senior special comes with the dessert.”

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh! Fish goujons! That’s like them things you like, them, er… them chicken condoms!”

(I try not to react to her words because it is busy and I am almost sure I misheard her. Her friend speaks up.)

Elderly Lady #2: *to me* “Don’t worry, dear; that’s just what I call them.”

(I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and the ladies notice my reaction, but I can’t contain my giggles.)

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, look, she’s blushing!”

Elderly Lady #2: “You’d think we were sex addicts, wouldn’t you?”

(At this I almost lost it, because about fifteen seconds before, honest to God, they were the kindest, sweetest ladies you could meet. We all had a giggle, so I put the order in and broke down with laughter in the kitchen. When I took their food, they brought it up again and I started up again. I never, ever expected it, but they were very self-aware about what they were saying!)

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Come For The Food, Stay For The Dementia

, , , , , | Working | September 16, 2019

My wife and I went to one of our favorite restaurants in town — favorite for the good food they made but not the service which was notoriously spotty.

We were seated right away by the manager who gave us menus, but no one came to take our order. After ten minutes and flagging down a waitress several times, “our” waitress finally came over to take our order. She was an older woman which, in my experience, usually meant we were going to get good service. Not this time.

She forgot to get our non-water drinks — ever, even after several reminders — never refilled our waters, didn’t bring us salads until after the main meals came, didn’t bring us dressing for the salads until after we’d finished the main meals, never stopped by to check on us unless we flagged her down for the previous stuff, and didn’t bring us our checks when we were done.

I finally got tired of waiting for the check — she hadn’t made another appearance after she brought out the dressings — and went up to the register. The manager was there and went off to fetch the check for us.

While he was ringing up our order on the register he asked if everything was okay. I rattled off the list of everything that was not okay and his response was: 

“Well, she is kind of old!”

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That Tip Is Going Swimmingly

, , , , , , | Right | September 16, 2019

(My young children take swimming lessons at the local YMCA. The lessons are held from 7:00 to 8:00, and I always take them out for a quick meal beforehand at a diner. My kids finish their dinners before me, so while I polish off the rest of my food, my younger daughter amuses herself by asking me for pennies and dropping them into her half-full water glass. I don’t mind, because it is keeping her quiet, and I have every intention of removing the pennies from the glass before we leave, since I don’t want to leave them for the server to deal with. Then, I realise to my dismay that it is getting late.)

Me: “Oh, dear! We’d better get going, girls.”

(I stuff the last bite into my mouth, grab a $5 bill, and leave it on the table for a tip. We dash out to the car…)

Daughter: “Mummy, here, you forgot this.” *hands me the $5 bill*

Me: “Oh, no, honey, that was meant for our server. Quick, let’s run back into the restaurant and give it to her.”

(As we re-entered the diner, I realized two things. One, I’d forgotten to remove the pennies from my daughter’s water glass. Two, our poor server was looking at the pennies in dismay, thinking that they were her tip, and wondering what on earth she’d done to deserve that! I apologized profusely for the pennies and gave her the $5.)

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Needs To Update His Newsfeed, Not His Operating System

, , , , , | Right | September 16, 2019

(It is September 16, 2001, five days after the terrorist attacks on the USA’s east coast. While we are 3000 miles from there, many people have friends or family who have been affected. Our computer store was supposed to have the new Mac OS available, but with plane flights suspended, we haven’t gotten it yet. One man is less than understanding, and is screaming at my coworker:)

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t have it?! Your ad promised it would be here, and I reserved a copy weeks ago! How can you not have it?!”

(He pauses for breath and I put on my best “helpful customer service” voice.)

Me: “Sir, due to the terrorist attacks Tuesday, in which thousands of people died, shipping has been disrupted. Would you like to leave your name and number so we can call you when your order arrives?” *which we’d be doing for everyone who pre-ordered, anyway*

Customer: *after a long pause, blushes, and whispers* “No, thank you; I’ll check back later.”

(At least he had the grace to be embarrassed.)

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It’s Made From Pure Sugar Cane

, , , , , | Related | September 16, 2019

(A few years ago, my grandfather started having trouble walking. One day, he comes back from the store and, upon opening the door, immediately starts this conversation.)

Grandfather: “I have a cocaine!”

Me: “What?”

(I turned around and saw my grandfather gesturing to the new cane he bought, with a Coca-Cola design on it. He never let me live it down until the day he died.)

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