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(Our friends and their baby were visiting.)
Friend: “There’s always someone taller than you; someone better looking than you; someone better at sports than you…”
Me: “But you think your daughter is the cutest baby ever, right?”
Friend: “I’ve seen cuter.”
(His wife was not pleased!)
(I’m a Caucasian expat living in Singapore. I’ve learned to speak the local creole well enough to get by, as my foreign accent often comes across as unintelligible. On the train on my way home from work one night, a Caucasian man steps into my carriage.)
Man: *looks around, spots me, and openly gawks* “Oh, THANK GOD!”
(He practically runs towards me and sits right next to me, despite most seats being unoccupied.)
Man: “Another NORMAL person, finally! Aw, man, I can’t tell you how great it is to see you! I mean, this place is ridiculous! It’s full of… Asians!”
Me: *raises an eyebrow while frowning*
Man: “Yeah, like, I wanted a holiday and everything, but I didn’t want a tropical place that didn’t have stores and bars and stuff, y’know? So the travel guy said Singapore would be good, but everyone here is bloody Chinese or something! I don’t know what’s wrong with the place!”
Me: *trying my best to sound as local as possible* “Aiyah, why you come Singapore one ah? Dis one cannot lah!”
(The man looked terrified and scooted away.)
(I am tutoring a 17-year-old student. He graduated from high-school but didn’t receive his diploma because he didn’t pass the U.S. History Regents. We’ve had a few interesting moments during various sessions. After reviewing a practice essay…)
Me: “What did you mean when you wrote that ‘Abraham Lincoln was shot by J.F.K. for independence and stuff.’? Did you mean J.W.B., John Wilkes Booth?”
Student: “Who is he? Our 60th President?”
Me: “Umm… we are only on our 43rd President. Also, when you say independence, are you referring to the liberation of slaves?”
Student: “Wasn’t that Washington and Jefferson?”
This story is part of the Black History Month roundup.
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(I am sitting at lunch with a group of my friends, when one of my other friends excitedly runs up to our table.)
Friend: “Guys! Guys! Guess what? I got elected president of YADDAP!”
(YADDAP is our school’s anti-drug group. It stands for Youth Against Drugs, Drinking, And Pregnancy. She is wearing one of their red ribbons that say: ‘Celebrate a drug-free [Home City]!’)
Me: “[Friend], you got elected president of YADDAP?”
Friend: “Yeah!”
Me: “Didn’t you have a pot brownie before coming to school this morning?”
Friend: “Yeah. What’s your point?”
(I’m in the third grade. I’m the quiet, bookish sort and I always have a book on me. While my classmates are still on picture books, I have long since picked up short chapter books. I have a brand new one to read for our silent reading time. Because it is new, I don’t want to keep it in my messy desk where it might get damaged. I keep it in my book bag for the morning and get it out on my way in from recess. We aren’t allowed to go to our bags at any other time during the school day. When silent reading is over I put the book at the corner of my desk, out of the way, and get my workbook out like I am supposed to.)
Teacher: “[Name], please put your book in your desk.”
Me: “I don’t want it to get damaged and my desk is messy. Can I go put it back in my bag?”
Teacher: “No. Put it in your desk. This isn’t reading time.”
Me: “I know it’s not. I just don’t want to damage my new book.”
Teacher: “Put it in your desk right now or I’m taking it!”
(I move a bunch of things to make a semi-safe spot for the book.)
Teacher: “[Name]! This is not desk cleaning time, either!”
Me: “I know. I’m just making room for the book.”
Teacher: “If you don’t stop mouthing off and disobeying I’m calling your mother!”
(Trying not to cry, I got back to work. When I go home that afternoon, I discovered that my teacher had called my mom and told her that I had been reading when I wasn’t supposed to and had repeatedly refused to stop and put my book away. Because my mom never believed a word I said over an adult’s, my new book was taken and I was forced to read from the class library (all picture books) for the remainder of the school year.)
