Manager: *answering phone* “[Complex Manager]’s office. This is [Manager].”

Resident: “Someone dug up my flowers! The purple ones! It’s because purple is the gay color. They think I’m gay, and they hate me, so they dug up my flowers!”

Manager: “Slow down, [Resident]. Who dug up your flowers?”

Resident: “People who hate me because they think I’m gay!”

Manager: “O… kay. When did you plant these flowers?”

Resident: “Yesterday. I had that row of white flowers, and I planted the purple ones in between. It went white, purple, white, purple. But they only dug up the purple ones!”

Manager: “Did you do anything special when you planted the purple ones?”

Resident: “Well, yes. I put some fish pieces in the soil because I heard that it was supposed to help the plants grow.”

Manager: “… [Resident], I think that raccoons dug up your flowers to get at the fish.”

Resident: “What? No, that can’t be. Raccoons are very respectful of nature. They wouldn’t do that.”

(A woman has driven her car into my apartment a few days earlier, destroying the privacy fence, the sliding glass door, one wall, and the carpet. The complex manager and I are walking down to the mailboxes, discussing the situation, when we are passed by one of my least-favorite neighbors.)

Neighbor: “So, I hear we offer drive-thru apartments now.”

Me: “Yes, but in order to get one, you have to upgrade to Super Tenant. It means that you have to buy the booster pack with renter’s insurance, but you’ll get a new vinyl door and carpet, plus 75 additional quests.”

Teacher: “As you probably know, Columbus tried to sail east to India but took a wrong turn and ended up in America.”

Me: *speechless*

(My boyfriend and I are standing in my kitchen when I decide to ask him the age old question.)

Me: “What would you do if I was turned into a zombie?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’d be really sad… but in all actuality, probably double tap.”

(My husband and I go into the bedroom to put away clean laundry, but he convinces me to cuddle with him first. We have been cuddling for a while.)

Me: “This is good, but it doesn’t help us put the laundry away.”

Husband: “The laundry isn’t going anywhere.”

Me: “I know. That’s the problem!”