(I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months. I am checking my phone while we ride the train into the city. My phone case is green and has a monster face on it.)

Boyfriend: “Didn’t you have a pink phone case?”

Me: “No… I’ve had this one since I met you. That must be your other girlfriend.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, right. I should call her… Can I use your phone?”

(We are lying on my boyfriend’s bed listening to music. There’s a bright lightbulb in the middle of the ceiling.)

Boyfriend: “Ugh, that light is hurting my head again.”

Me: “OK, I’ll get up and—”

Boyfriend: “No, wait, don’t get up. I have a better idea.”

(He takes his sunglasses off the bedside table and puts them on while still lying on the bed.)

Me: “You know, I could just turn the light off…”

Boyfriend: “But then this would look stupid!”

Me: *rolls eyes* “You know, it would be pretty funny if you fell asleep like that…”

Boyfriend: *snore*

(My husband has been swamped at work lately, and as a result he’s been really tired and out of it. He’s handing me apples from the fridge when this happens.)

Husband: “Hey… honey? Are these onions okay, or do they need to be tossed.”

(He holds up a bag and I stare at him for a moment.)

Me: “…they’re fine. Those are lemons.”

(My car is in the shop, so my parents let me borrow an old vehicle my Mom keeps as a back-up in case her work vehicle breaks down. She carefully explains all the little things that either don’t work or are tricky with it before I drive home. On the way home I see something she didn’t mention and call her as soon as I get home to make sure it isn’t something new. It should be noted she’s also a stickler for things like speed limits.)

Me: “Mom, did you know the speedometer wasn’t working? I was going down [Major Street] and the speedometer was sitting at zero.”

Mom: “Oh, I forgot! You weren’t speeding, were you?”

Me: “How would I know, Mom?”

Mom: “Oh… Shut up!”

(My dad has been working overseas and doesn’t come home often. He calls home weekly to talk to my mother. I usually don’t answer the phone at home, but this time, my mother asked me to.)

Me: “Ma! Call for you!”

Mum: “Who?”

Me: “Don’t know. Some guy.”

Mum: *picks up phone* “Hello?” *to me* “That’s your dad.”

Me: “Oh.”

Mum: “You hurt his feelings when you said you didn’t know who he was and that he was ‘some guy’.”