(My writing class counts attendance as part of your grade. My professor is really strict about her students being on time and can be completely unreasonable at times. One day I get to the door of our classroom at the same time as our professor. Being polite, I hold the door open to let her in first. Once we both sit down, she looks at me and says:)

Teacher: “[My Name], I’m going to mark you for being tardy since you came in after me.”

(She was completely serious.)

(My boyfriend and I order a pizza.)

Boyfriend: *grabs a slice of pizza, takes a bite, then puts it back in the box*

Me: “D*** it, [Boyfriend]! Quit doing that! I don’t want your mouth germs all over my half of the pizza!”

Boyfriend: “You kiss me all the time! What’s the difference?”

Me: “Yeah, well, I suck your d*** all the time, but I still don’t want you flopping it out on my food!”

Boyfriend: “…good point.”

(I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months. I am checking my phone while we ride the train into the city. My phone case is green and has a monster face on it.)

Boyfriend: “Didn’t you have a pink phone case?”

Me: “No… I’ve had this one since I met you. That must be your other girlfriend.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, right. I should call her… Can I use your phone?”

(We are lying on my boyfriend’s bed listening to music. There’s a bright lightbulb in the middle of the ceiling.)

Boyfriend: “Ugh, that light is hurting my head again.”

Me: “OK, I’ll get up and—”

Boyfriend: “No, wait, don’t get up. I have a better idea.”

(He takes his sunglasses off the bedside table and puts them on while still lying on the bed.)

Me: “You know, I could just turn the light off…”

Boyfriend: “But then this would look stupid!”

Me: *rolls eyes* “You know, it would be pretty funny if you fell asleep like that…”

Boyfriend: *snore*

(My husband has been swamped at work lately, and as a result he’s been really tired and out of it. He’s handing me apples from the fridge when this happens.)

Husband: “Hey… honey? Are these onions okay, or do they need to be tossed.”

(He holds up a bag and I stare at him for a moment.)

Me: “…they’re fine. Those are lemons.”