(It’s New Year’s Eve and our and another family are celebrating.)

Me: *asking friend* “What’s your New Year’s resolution?”

Him: *playing a shooter game on tablet* “To kill you.”

Me: *stunned* “What?!”

Him: *looks up and sees me and pales* “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry. I was—”

Me: “I understand, dude.”

(We both laughed after that.)

(A new employee just started where I work. There’s a major snow storm going on, and since her car isn’t working and I just live down the street from her, I agree to give her a ride. We’re heading to work when:)

Coworker: “Good thing it’s snowing. We need the moisture.”

Me: “Yeah, we’re in a drought.”

Coworker: “Yeah. If it gets too bad we’ll get earthquakes.”

Me: *thinking she’s kidding, laughs nervously* “Yeah…”

Coworker: “Yeah, the lack of water dries the ground out and that’s why the plates rub together. That’s why California gets so many earthquakes – not enough water.”

Me: “…”

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(I am working at an IT company that takes on new staff every 3 months. I started four months ago and am working on a project with the newest set of new starters who have been here for a month. Up until this point they have all been using temporary computer login accounts while I have had an official login for several months now. Today they all receive emails containing their login credentials.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker #1].” *no reply* “Uh…  [Coworker #1]?”

Coworker #2: “Hey, [Coworker #1]!”

Coworker #1: “Hum, yeah?”

Me: “Are you able to login to your new account?”

Coworker #1: “I’m trying but it’s stuck on the email configuration.”

Me: “That fine. Can you try to run [Software]?”

Coworker #1: “Why? I’m already running it.”

Me: “Great, so your account is fine?”

Coworker #1: “I haven’t tried my account but my email isn’t configuring.”

Me: “Well, your email won’t work until you login as it’s configured from your account. Please login to your new account.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, I will.”

(A few minutes later.)

Coworker #1: “Do I need to add the domain?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Coworker #1: “For my login. Do I need to add the email domain?”

Me: “No, in the email you received it will tell you your username. Use that.”

Coworker #1: “I have but should I add the domain on the end?”

Me: “Why would you add the domain on the end? It’s a standard Windows login!”

Coworker #1: “Oh, okay. It worked. My email is configured, too.”

Me: “Yay…”

Coworker #3: “Did you really just talk [Coworker #1] through the Windows login process?”

Me: “Apparently so.”

(My entire team gets an email from the boss, congratulating the team for hitting a goal. As a closing to the email he puts ‘Love, Francis.’ Of course, we all immediately have to respond:)

My Email: “Aww, I love you, too, Pookie.”

(We teased him about that for months!)

(I’m working delivering pizza at a national chain restaurant, and it is common for us to pitch in lightly in other jobs when we aren’t actively doing a delivery. I walk into the restaurant and walk straight to the kitchen, where I start throwing together a pizza. To my surprise, the regional manager, a large man whose first language is not English, comes out of nowhere and slaps his hand on my shoulder.)

Regional Manager: “You know, I see you come in here, and you always working. You work very hard. I see you always busy. You help the cooks when they busy, you help the waitresses when they busy, and if nobody busy, you wash dishes. You are good hard worker. You do good job and I just wanted to tell you, thank you.”

(As quickly as he appeared, he vanishes to inspect some other portion of the restaurant. The cook, who is also my roommate, looks up at the orders.)

Cook: “Um, bro, nobody ordered a large pepperoni.” *he pauses for a moment* “Wait! Isn’t today your day off?”

Me: “Cool it, man. The regional manager just thanked me while I was in the middle of stealing a pizza. Now throw this in the oven so I can get out of here before anyone realizes!”