(My husband is trying to teach our son how to crawl. He’s got the leg movement down, but he refuses to use his arms.)

Husband: “Come on, son! Push! Push! You should know what that word means; it was probably the first thing you ever heard.”

Me: “Sweetie, he was a caesarean. I never pushed.”

Husband: “Well, no wonder he’s not getting it!”

(I’m in line at a coffee place. When it’s the turn of the guy in front of me, he rattles off a ridiculously complex order, with all sorts of alterations. At no point does he say ‘please,’ nor does he even bother looking at the lady taking his order. Surprisingly, she seems to get happier and happier as he spends a few minutes saying his order. By the end, she’s positively beaming.)

Barista #1: “All right, sir. If you’ll wait over by the side of the counter, please, your order will just be a moment.”

(The instant she finishes saying the word “moment”, she suddenly starts making the man’s drink with incredible speed. She’s flying around making the complex drink, pouring and stirring and grabbing various ingredients with astounding dexterity. Her movements are so rapid and precise that it’s like watching a sped-up version of a dance. Her face shows intense concentration, and all the other baristas and staff have stopped what they were doing to watch. She finishes after a minute.)

Barista #1: “Here you are, sir! I hope you enjoy your drink!”

(Suddenly, another barista calls out.)

Barista #2: “She did it!”

(The staff near her begin to clap her on the back, congratulating her, and generally acting like the event is a minor celebration. After a moment, she turns to serve me.)

Barista #1: “What would you like today, ma’am?”

Me: “Actually, can I ask what just happened?”

Barista #1: “Oh, we have a competition among the staff. If anyone can make a drink in less time than it takes the customer to say what the drink is, the manager has agreed to take us all out for dinner, on her. [Barista #2] was timing, and it looks like I made it!”

Barista #2: “Yeah, it makes us actually like the customers with over-the-top, customised drinks. They’re the only ones we stand a chance at beating! Normal drinks, like, ‘tall flat white,’ only take two seconds to say, so we can’t compete. That guy’s order was record-breakingly long, though!”

(The guy, who had been ignoring them and inspecting his complex drink to look for flaws, turned red and slunk out. Later, I found out that the manager had created the competition to address the negative morale caused by difficult orders. It was obviously working.)

(The store I work in is located in a mall, and despite being a candy store we also sell plush toys, with a display set up at the front of the store. Because of this, small children will often fuss at their parents to buy them said toys as they pass by on their way to or from other stores. A little boy wants a stuffed penguin, which his mother pries from his hands despite his protests.)

Mother: “We’ll get it on the way back!”

(Sulking, the boy follows his mother away from our store.)

Manager: *laughing* “So many LIES! When will it END?!”

Boss: “I need everyone to stay late tonight to get these programs written by Friday.”

Me: “We’ve pretty much finished them already. I can stay late tomorrow but tonight I have to go to my other job.”

Boss: “This work needs to be done by the end of the week. What’s the worst that’ll happen if you don’t get to your other job?”

Me: “My other job is in suicide prevention…”

(One of our three physicians has just announced his impending retirement.)

Whole Office: “Noooo!”

Doctor: “It’s not until summer! I can’t leave until I find a replacement anyway. There’s a nice young man who’s looking at coming here. He’ll be visiting on Monday.”

Coworker #1: “No! We’ll be on our worst behavior! ”

Me: “Like the Von Trapp kids!”

Coworker #2: “And we’ll scare him away so you can’t leave!”

Doctor: “Now, now, it’ll be all right! He’s young, but train up a doctor in the way he should go…”

(It’s kind of a joke in the office that the nurses used to ‘train’ the doctor by using chocolate as a reward for getting appointments done on time.)

Coworker #3: “So we leave chocolate on his desk until he figures out our schedules?”

Me: “But what if he doesn’t like chocolate?”

Coworker #3: *horrified expression* “Then he doesn’t belong.”